CBF

Does anyone ever come to the terms that you are re-evaluating yourself everyday, you hear your voice in your head everyday, but you dont ever come to think about it as to "its a voice in your head", when you start questioning your mental capacity, things start to go haywire.

Im burdened with a condition that has its lows, and its highs (literally) caused by a certain chemical imbalance, this chemical imbalance, we fix with pills (much to my digression), i take a low dose, one that i feel comfortable with, rather than just talking or beating it out naturally, like i would normally do. there is a point where you are in a mindset for so long that you think like that for weeks...months, or inherently, til you get over it. This has only happened, ever since i got the news that i indeed have bi-polar.

This is where i question myself, my meds kicked in. and i felt normal, i felt....bored, i felt quite simply in internet terms "CBF". Im used, to having my head go at 100000 miles per hour, im used to obsessing about hobbies, im used to being jittery and anxious, that, be it non normality to some, is normality for me.

How can a person simply go from one change....to a dramatic halt, see all that energy, all that stuff you strive to get rid of, go away like that. for me, i cant.
sometimes you look at your downfall and question it, is it a burden, or is it a gift?
whenever im happy, im really happy, and beleive me i can keep myself there for a long time, ive surrounded myself with amazing people with no drama and i come to deal with drama with an open perspective, infact, i hardly feel sad, maybe i dont even know what is and dont even know, maybe its when im at my most irratible.

But this way, i get things done, i am passionate about things.

Although i question parenting sometimes, i would never, ever, put my kids if i had any on medication to alter imbalance. why, because i survived 17 years having lows and highs, and i learnt more, why tell someone there sadness is worse than everyone elses. to them, feeling sad is feeling sad. yes it lasts longer, but more than anything you can always cheer it up. kids need good parenting, if someone is too fucking lazy to get off there ass and spend time with there kids, than just throw pills at them, then dont be a parent. especially my own, the solution for anything from my mother is 'take more pills" or 'take these'. never 'want to talk about it?' 'what can i do to help'. never any of that.

hint:

once you step inside your home, youre a guardian, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father. spend time with your family, sometimes theyre the only thing you have, and overall the most important one too.


peace.

fuck it. life is good.


coming at you from 5am. I decided, i'm going to finally nail my ass down and write an album. it is long overdue.

I will probably not get much sleep.
But, who the fuck cares.

more later.
now bed.

Theres a time when you have to judge if you're delusional or just a failure. Ive been pretty close to having a mental breakdown these past couple of months but things seem to hopefully look like theyre getting better. Im not sure if its a good idea or maybe a bad idea to stop taking my medication for reasons being i feel it restricts me from being creative. Ever since the spiking and comedown, my head just hasnt been in the right place, i have no idea why, the thoughts and the feelings that embarked with me that week are still somehow in my head and i cant get them out they appear everyday and they make me want to tear my hair out. Theyre ruining everything i enjoy about music, my space, my time, practically my life.

It's been a real wakeup call to me these last couple months, i need to get out.
Now. Not out of life, not out of anything but just out the spots i keep getting into week in and week out. You know the people, the rooms, the places you are forced to see everyday and locked in, these spaces just keep reminding me of things that i dont want to remember.

There are friends i need to lose fast, there are places i need to stop going to. There are things i need to stop.

This has the been a realisation, you know, just quietly, ive always sort of thought id be somewhere by now, as if my musical ability could take me somewhere, turns out i cant write a song for shit and i feel as if i will never be able to write anything, hell i cant even listen to anything without getting jealous or something.

this fucking sucks.

hi im illogical thinking.

so, what happens, ive been literally staring at this box thinking "i know i should type something" and i know how i feel in my stomach, but i dont know how to write it down.


Things are good, but terrible at the same time. there are alot of things ive been thinking about that i just dont want to take the wrong way, and im too much of a douche to actually clarify, because they're the sort of questions which make you seem like an idiot or something they dont see.


And it makes me wonder what people think of my issues on this, i never seem to talk about women, unless im yelling at them to get into the kitchen or something, but im a guy, i have my flaws, i have my "guy" mind that is a hopeless romantic. i seem very unmovable, i never bitch about anything to women, i never complain, i just like to make people laugh, that is my main purpose when socialising.

Relationships are something i try and steer from, as much as i like the emotional attachment, its everything else in it that is enjoyable but at the same time pure hell. Ive been trying to clarify with myself over and over why i get angry at things that other people wouldn't, and if you know me, im not an angry guy, im satirical and just sarcastic 98% of the time. That 2% of me, is a complete dolt, and i let that run over my life alot of the time.

There is someone, who i think is the best thing to ever happen to me, im glad theyre here, and i don't think i can write it about how many times i am head over heels for them, and in my effortless attempts in order to understand women, and yes, everyone thinks im right on the money when i write things about women, if you have read any of my other works about women, you will often see how i often treat them as sluts or complete ditz, which is not always true, but there is the same trait you see with them all that makes me just want to stay clear sometimes.

Women are not romantic, i dont see girls that are, and i am not the kind of guy, and it is not hard to beleive either that someone could like more than anything else, i do not see myself as someone who is better than the competition, so as much as it baffles me as to why this person supposedly likes me as much as they do, and as happy as it makes me whenever i see them smile, or stare me, i get the impression, that there is something i dont get, and it scares the shit out of me.

I find it pretty easy to pick up, i am not ugly etc and saturday was a testament to that, i had about 6-8 girls tuned from just talking to me, but i didnt do anything, because i am probably the most monogamous person on the planet, and i sat in the back getting drunk and just talkign to my friends about video games.

But at the back of my mind, the message that was sent to me the "you can kiss other girls if you want too i like you that much" thing, stuck there. what is that supposed to mean? What does that say about them? bam, the whole 'im gonna find out' thing happened. and i shouldnt. and i wont. because i trust them, but this happens with every other guy.

But look, im not a prude, im not someone who isnt down for exploring sexuality, beleive me i am, but i feel as if my whole relationship is being based on it, i cant think of kissing another girl, because i like someone one person, if you get what i mean. im just old school manogous, maybe that is boring, maybe being exciting with you sexuality is fucking someone else? but if you get to what im on about. it just probably tells me they dont like me as much as i like them, and that im probably not as fulfilling enough for them. im not sure how it is for women, but look at it this way.

There is so much more pressure on a guy when it comes to sex (this is form a virgin pov btw), there is size difference (which isnt so freaky for me now as it was), getting it up, and lasting etc when you fuck another person, you insult a guys sexual performance, it means hes not doing something right, for all we know that guy could be better and that stick to his brain like glue, and if youre someone who bases your relationship or a large portion on it on sexual performance, then you might as well castrate the guy, because he'll feel that way anyway.

you got child birth
we got the penis.

and lets face it. when ive been very good friends with someone for 2-3 years, i like to think i know alot of what there problems with was with ex's. and it sounds like the sex thing was pretty important or so it seems that way. so im supposed to be amazing first up?

chances are. i wont be. and i will probably try as hard as i will to actually figure it out, because, i dont like seeing them unhappy, infact, i'll go out of my way to do anything to make them happy.

but with the amount of people i have spoken to on this subject who have the experience, its always gonna be boring when the emotional connection is there, there is no perfect sex for you out there, and the most fulfilling time you will get will be with someone you like alot (i am refraining from love because i cannot stand that word...it is over used), that is what 100% of people over 24 tell me.

im not sure what to think. understanding my sexuality its weird, when im not in a relationship, im looking at porn near everyday, i look at girls all the time, i talk about girls all the time, i hook up with people, i receive stuff etc etc not because i treat women as objects, very very very far from that, im a male, i have urges, they need to be dealt with.

but when im in a relationship it changes, its just about them for me, and its weird?
most probably, im into exploring stuff, but with them. not with other people, because i dont feel as if kissing someone else could give me the same satisfaction and care that the one i like could.

Argh, all in all, i should make a disclaimer for her saying:
i dont want to make it boring for you, i dont want you to base this whole thing on that, i will never cheat on you, i will never put another girl before you, im with you for a reason that i want to be with you, not anyone else.

that is the reason i think things over before i agree to be in relationship, ive made mistakes in the past with them, and learnt from them, this is the one thing i dont see as mistake and i dont want it to fuck up.

maybe im bad at relationships in general.

prolly more scared than usual.

so.

this isnt normally the place where i often indulge into my romantic / shitty side, but today i will, because ive been wanting to say this shit but i dont feel as if people deserve to bear the burden to hear it.

i got back into a relationship, and i cant say i have been in one for a while, or one that actually meant as much to me as this one, i normally stay clear from the whole area really, they just never pan out the way you want them to or im too much of an idiot. but, you know when you like someone so much that it effects your ability to talk how you used to before, i fear thats happening and its going to go down the same path it did before. i dont want that :/ maybe its just me but im just not good at this at all. but its something worth it for.

wow im such a girl. i wish i could date a computer sometimes. thatd rule. its sort of weird how im really happy yet stressed at the same time :<

i hate jazz musicians and jazz fans.

Have you ever noticed that every single jazz musician is an asshole (cept shawn lane and allan holdsworth of course) and the only thing going from them is there awesome fans who probably is just university students studying jazz because no one else thinks its cool.

I heard this shit in high school all the time, and all the horrible musicians would stand up and look at me as if what i was saying wasnt true.

"hey guys, you should check out this drummer, hes pretty good"

"NO HES NOT HES NOT USING ANY SOUL".

wtf is soul. when you play music, your soul is not attached, infact, there no such thing as a soul so obviously i dont grasp the intellectual capability in order to sit around with your coffee sipping friends to get what the hell it means.

Just because some plays with groove doesnt mean hes better than everyone else, it doesnt make him better than a guy who is technically better than he is, could you ever imagine a drummer 'grooving' to death metal. no, because it would look stupid, just like people whenever they to overrule peoples opinions by saying jazz musicians are better.


i'll tell you one thing about jazz musicians, if soul is so important what ever stopped you fucks about learning every note on the keyboard and playing what you hear in your head, not on a piece of paper, if everyone went to university and got a degree in 'music'. A degree in music is like getting a degree in retardation because there is no point in learning how to play jazz if you want to be a musician, if you want to be a teacher, go for you life. but if youre good at an instrument, why cant you just use your head instead of a pen.

i never bothered learning theory and im glad i didnt because its a "creative barrier".
i know what my keyboard soundss like, i know what my guitar sounds like, i can creatively connect what is in my head to what i am writing.


THAT IS CALLED BEING A MUSICIAN. NOT SHOOTING UP SMACK AND BLOWING DOWN A TUBE.

im fair sure if you went up to alot of talented musicians and asked do you know theory alot of them would say "no not really". because theory is fucking boring.

No one cares for coltrane because he was a coke snorting faggot who probably blew more cocks for coke than he did blowing on his instrument.

If you love music, love it, dont become such a fucking technifag where all that matters is technicality, because blowing around on a scales and modes isnt exactly soul say compared to a metal musician like yngwie malmsteen who clearly shows emotion when playing his music.

please grab that ruled book and slap yourself in the face.
thanks.

NOBODY WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SEX

Because you have nothing else interesting to talk about i presume you like me hearing about who you had sex with and how good she was etc, if i wanted to find out how good she was, im pretty sure i would go up and sleep with her because 99.999999% of the time its going to be easy to do.

You know there is nothing more interesting about sex youre having, because you tlaking about it is going to get me aroused to point of blowing my load all over the keyboard. Unless you bent your cock or she turned out to be guy, i dont care so please refrain from filling my ears full of turd that will eventually link to my brain and turn it into a toilet like the 95% of you.

Like wow, morality is in great shape these days isnt it. Like, really, was with a friend today who not only admits to cheating on his girlfriend, but enjoys it. I mean seriously, grats man, i feel really happy to know youre a complete asshole!

if you have a girlfriend, stay loyal. its not hard if youre not one of the people that gets all confused about what they want and just end up picking the first thing. i dont get the whole "i want to cheat on my girlfriend" if you want to cheat on her....then why are you going out? oh QQ she doesnt satisfy me sexually etc. well shit manages to get through if you managed to look past your jewish ego and actually tell her that you feel that way. what is it with people just concerned with THEIR problems and THEIR beliefs because youre the only one that fucking matters?

let me tell you, youre probably not.

quite frankly 90% of relationships guys stand there with there dicks in the wind, and just complain about retarded shit and so do women. no youre not getting those shoes and if you say it one more time im popping you in the mouth.

Get with the fucking program, i dont want to hear women problems on the phone, i dont stare at the phone all day waiting for you to call, i dont get all excited when you do because half the time its nothing intelligable or not even funny, not even entertaining. Half the time if your life sucks, what am i supposed to do? offer you counselling? like if someone dies, or if someone dumped you.
What am i going to do? revive them? tell you that it was a practical joke and theyre coming alive, BEING SAD IS NORMAL SO GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

If you have problem there is only one guy that can solve this:



maury fucking povich.

boyfriend cheated on you? get maury to give that cheating honky a paternity test.
think mum adopted you? get maury to give that cold hearted foster parent a dna test.
feeling depressed? maury will shower you in gifts.
Have no limbs? maury will grow you a pair with his powers.
not pretty enough? maury will make you over with his eyes.

There is nothing maury CANT do with, and with a smile like that, who couldnt.



Now that i think about it, maury is gandalf.




despite the fact that the lord of rings sucked, they could of totally revived the movie if they made a sequel that was just maury getting DNA off every motherfucker in middle earth. It wouldnt make much sense, but itd be more exciting than jamming my dick between 2 razor posts like the movies made me want to do.

Womens problems are called womens problems for a reason, theyre WOMENS problems because no MAN wants to hear it probably not even maury, especially not me and im technically not a girl til 9pm so dont bother.

if your relationship life fails then maybe you shouldnt base your ideals on TV shows and make your own sense of morality up like the rest of history have done, what happened to us too.

I am going to patent a pair of glasses that sense most bullshit women are saying to me:

heres a picture:


they look like normal glasses because they are normal glasses, because most of the time when my female companions like to complain its fairly obvious to see bullshit. If only i could filter out sexual proposition and i would be set.

laters.