o lawds

wow ive really lost the ball! i used to be funny man, I USED TO BE COOL.
i used to be fucking fonz in my own caved in head, i just checked, i have a dent in my head, the asteroids are crashing into my goddamn cranium, if that even IS the right place at all, its like my mums vagina skin was like a metal door and just slammed on my head on the way out or something.

which brings me to my next point.
where did i lose the ball ey, like i swear to god where did my hyperactivity go!
im glad i quit the fags (how good is my use of large capitals, its getting something massive across i tell you, seriously this will change your life, send me money, send me goats, send me anything and i'll send you back nothing in return!...unless its a dildo which i'll prolly send pics back of me using it) got some visit from the bigass abscess in my mouth and was like 'NUP YOU ARENT DRINKING, SMOKING, OR ANYTHING AT ALL'.  (so i quit).
i was like fair enough mate, calm down, were all men here, we'll resolve things quietly.
YET WE DIDNT. infact my own mother told me i have cancer in order to quit smoking.

now lets get things straight, dont you think its TAD hypocritical for someone to tell me to quit when they smoke more than you. i mean smoking is bad. stay away kids or your the packet will wake up and molest you like my uncle roy did 2 years ago at long beach.....or thats what he used to call it, i still remember it every time i take a big shit.

i cant even get a job either, im not sure if i should write 'i got molested give me a job' over and over and over ontop of the resume in order to give me a job. infact i have no references, who invented this shit to put on resumes for people who havent had a job before.

'hi this dude is a top bloke, yea, bit lazy sometimes, wanks in the toilets, but yeah apart from the toilet paper shortage hes pretty good, bit of a dickhead though'

thats heaps gonna get me a job isnt it. like do i have to be a fucking nuclear physicist in order to get at foodland, i mean CMON you stack shelves for goodness sake, what on EARTH are they gonna use as a reference. just look at me, im the walking image of a perfect candidate.

or maybe i need to get some skank pregnant! they always hire women that have little kids named like 'tyrone' or 'tupac' or 'chasity' or something thats meant to sound modern but comes out completely retarded. i dont know how kids grow up that way, i grew up with the last name 'cocks' which pretty much means in "year 1 terms" a bunch of dicks and dicks meaning penis.
anyways, after year 2 i think it got over used a bit, lots of little kids still say that to me when im walking down the street, then look down and realise my cock is out.


i often hear the word a couple more times at the police station, not MY fault my fucking fly is down, i love it how people dont tell you embarassing things nowaday unless they know you, walking down a shopping mall with my stained underpants hanging out the front and NOT ONE 'dude, package isnt ready for delivering yet'. nah i can tell by the way theyre looking at my package. which i thought was just people checking me out, infact i thought i was hot as shit, even guys were staring down there, its like when your fly is down, why dont i just have a pair of pants that has a fucking huge red light and siren that goes off when it is or it vibrates, infact id prolly keep the fly down if it did that.

men dont need pockets. not explaining why either, its not good getting aroused when im handing change out at my local  kfc where the hostess  has no doubt prolly seen her fair share of a chicken bone but like..........yeah.

LOL i said bone.
top stuff.

anyways back to jobs, as i was saying pregnant people get advantage.
thats the one advantage of being pregnant, chicks go on and on and on about being pregnant.
they dont understand guys have to go through sheer amounts of estrogen flowing from there mouths into our earlobes which evidentally makes us deaf after 2 years of marriage.

'jeremy, wheres the tax returns?!!?'
'mmmmm, wait, whats that vibration?!'

seriously, pregnant women get a luxury.
of not only having their vagin stretched to the size of a small fist, which by the looks of ALOT of videos ive seen on the net doesnt seem too hard to do, ive seen pictures of heads up their (which i 'stumbled across' on 4chan) and the woman was enjoying it.

but that seems sorta weird...like, getting aroused by pushing a baby out wouldnt it.
like, sex is SORTA like getting a baby out just different nouns!
instead of 'im coming' during birth it translates into 'its coming' and instead of 'go harder' its 'push harder' and instead of 'give me head' its 'i can see the head'.

i could go all day on that one. but yeah, twice ive been distracted, but pregnant women get seats on buses, they ALSO get to pussywhip their husband for 9months unless hes a complete cockbend, in which case its her fault for not buying the 'premium' plastic bags and extra strong rubber bands in the first place.

im not pro abortion, but im pro abortion if the case is the mutant offspring of some salisbury bus stop scrag who got pregnant from sitting on the bus seat there, and beleive me i wouldnt be surprised if that could happen down there, something is in adelaide water and im gonna find out what, because ive drunk nothing but water for 6 days and i havent been pissing blood like i normally do....thats normal right?

also, pub nights are great, i dont say this often enough, but theyre good when youre with someone decent and doesnt bitch about his relationship problems.

a bad scenario:
'SEE JEREMY, THAT ONE OVER THERE, SHES MINE, DONT TOUCH'
'well, like, i cant guarantee that, youre not dating her are you'
'WELL I JUST MET HER, SO I CALL DIBS'

yeah, fuckhead. i really think this guy, who will rename nameless, is just gonna straight out blow his load in the first 10seconds to which finally gets laid. infact, i havent even engaged in intercourse and i may or may not have spurted out that 'i have' a couple times when i was drunk to not look like a tool or even look cool, (but when you are actually convinced that a girl has even touched my chasity belt by me you gotta think to yourself if youre mentally retarded or not, if you do beleive me, please check yourself into the local mental hospital please) but i dont go 'oh man, need a gf so badly, so lonely without one omg brb red rooster'

when you think about it, you have a computer.
thats the best woman in the world.
the girl (or horses in some cases) on the screen doesnt tell you its that time of the month, shes revving to go at all times!
she even changes ethnicity each week! she even changes cup sizes! and she can tickle your fancy just right, and she use lube or no lube.

i think my perfect girl, would be a deaf chick. just no talking. at all.
just sign language and the occasional 'buh no football here'.
you dont need to explain why she needs to do things either, just point to kitchen and she'll understand.

i wonder if they have erotica in those little dot reading things.

ah, ive written too much.

im gonna go for a job tomorrow and i prolly wont get it!
sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!