on a serious note. sorry!

 i feel as if i need to write this,  im just trying to say alot of shit and for some reaosn, one of the only ways i can do that is via guitar on writing it down.

its probably way to long for people to read.

but

i think now, ive reached a point where im pretty disgusted with alot of shit i do.

i know many people often face this crisis some point in there life where they go:

"hey lets stop"

and its coming to a point every week where i disgust someone, piss off someone, make someone upset, do something completely stupid to the point where people do not want to be affiliated with me or be in my general area.

every week i find myself apologising for what i do, what ive taken, what i end up feeling like after what ive taken etc.

and im at that point, where im actually doing damage, to myself, my relationships and overall 3rd person view of me.

ive lost the respect from so many people these past weeks and its somewhat stupid.

 when it comes to people offending you, it was probably yourself that caused it, not them.

we often blame other people, situations for everything we do.

and what is it exactly were proving. nothing really, just a scapegoat.

but when i look at it, im fair tolerant. i never complain to anyone. i never have. ive never found a reason to complain. then you find yourself in a situation where you feel as if youre losing friends / respect / and overall grip on alot of things, and the only thing you can ever whinge to, is your head. or your keyboard. or soem guy in another country.

not that i like whinging, i even hate saying this shit right now, i feel as if someof my mates will change there opinion for the worst upon seeing this.

all i try to do is to not get on the badside of people, to keep them smiling, but not get to the point where i have to degrade myself in order to do it. there are certain things i dont think i could ever change about myself in order to do things.

this happens with everyone, this happens with alot of people, how you'll change just to be with people.

im not a loud person, so why do we try to be with certain people?

im not a bad person, so why do people seem to think you /i am when i hang out with people?

im not a un-intelligable person, so why do i degrade myself to the point where i stoop to an all knew low?

im not a disgusting person, yet i act that way for some ungodly reason..... but i just speak it.

even some people just know me when im drunk.

and now, i have to live with the fact that now that some people who i respect dearly, think im all of the above. the point where alot of people probably think im a complete tool.

it get annoying trying to act.

so what causes that? what causes you or me to do such a dumb thing as to realise the fact that youve grown out of things, and have to act in order to socialise. and its probably, what you want as an opinion, tolerance per se.

i find it weird when someone goes 'youre interesting' when i just stop to talk about what i like doing, what i research, what i do in my spare time, explaining philosophy on things.

im probably not alone here when i say its weird to not think of yourself as boring to someone else.

its makes you wonder what people had taken you for in the first place.

you always wish you could erase time and go back to an earlier point where things were actually decent, and i dont, i like everyone ive met and im glad everyone is here.

fair sure i need to get over the fact, im not really an amazing dude, and not everything im the best dude ever, im not the guy people look up to, im not someone who respected immensely.

and thats actually pretty decent.

this is officially the gayest thing ive probably ever written. 

thanks for the pointers on life captain obvious.