so alot has happened since i last posted here.

its often quite scary to reflect on yourself after tafailure and its often quite hard to look at yourself and write about what you need to do.

but never do it.

i often compare myself to greatness which is many the problem with the pitfalls of life, and i think thats why we often have so many expectations, so many, hmmm, goals you wish you could achieve, but cannot break your mold, your psyche and your determination to do so, and you hold yourself back.

anyone can achieve greatness with the right amount of mental stimulation, determination and willpower to get through it.

i often look at my greatness idols, people like stephen fry and also my musical influences, like greg wilson, erol alkan and everyone else

and you often, at this age, something you want to do turns cenile very quickly as you cannot achieve thing as quickly as what you like, and you often doubt your abilities as you may not be as good as you are as something else.

you often blame something, something small, we are often scared.

Lately, and for some reason, i have been blaming my creativity on disorders, one that may seem like a curse but is actually a blessing, but also showing my emotion through anything.

this can be my outlet now i guess.

finding the "meaning of life" is often quite setting yourself up for something you never wished you did, you will never find it, but it is to make your own.

The meaning of life is your own intepretation of your own goals.
Whether it is to be successful, whether it is to be content, and i often find my friend seeming to cling on to irrational ideas that the world has set up these factors in order to boost the economy or something rediculously out of place.

Natural intrigue and study of our fascinations is what we should be achieving.
Sometimes, yes, our intrigues may be plagued by a mass media marketing "machine" so idiots seem to call it, but as you know, sometimes, your intrigues and fascinations earn you money, well that's good.

however i do not find any attraction, or any thing in working a shit job earning good money, like i do now.

I think the problem is i know so little about what i want to know about, it is often quite hard to get the whole picture, especially when that four letter word that seems to be the block of life that gets in the way. Love.

thats for later though.

cya