im jeremy

Dear...

2010-07-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Since nobody reads this I thought it would be okay to post something to somebody that they will never probably read.

I never get to explain to the world how I adore someone - this blog is always so always about me. That’s how it was. It was always about me, that’s where I went wrong.

Dear anonymous lady

I have adored you since I met you - even if it was at a really shit concert and I was a giant douche; you made me laugh, you made me feel comfortable. You didn’t poke fun that I wore makeup when I first went with you to the mall and my pants had ripped - although now you do and so do i. You didn’t really care for my shyness and I was always wondering what if I actually did something. The day you talked to me all night It instantly rekindled my like for you that I would lose sleep just waiting to talk to you all night and even fail some exams because I was meant to be studying - it didn’t matter. Youre the only person that gets comedically disgusted by my humor and youre the only person who makes me laugh and can make laugh like you have. You didn’t know that I still secretly liked you when you were explaining your male problems to me - and that I still helped because I just wanted to see you happy. The night you kissed me so I would shut up was one of the best times of my life - even though it sounds rediculous I felt like I was with a friend and not just some girl - I was with someone who I regard as my best friend and loved every second of it. The awkward moments of our first kisses were quite weird - I was nervous and you always seemed to be uncomfortable, that holiday we spent together was painful for both us - not because of how ergonomically awkward those bunk beds were but because the scenario changed - we werent friends anymore kinda - I guess the fridget in me came out. It wasn’t until I realised you were my friend - and I got rid of the girl in friend that I started liking you more and more - then we held hands the whole way home - world record imo. Then leaving you to go interstate felt like forever and even rides and other things I couldn’t enjoy because you werent' there to share it with me. Going out I felt like the luckiest guy in the world because I had the cutest girl in the whole entire room and they legitimately liked me back, it wasn’t for show it wasn’t for anything, I was just happy you had the same feelings and I cant even explain that. The times I would just stare at you sleeping and realise how lucky I was. And the times I felt actual passion between us the pillow talk I felt like I could talk to you about anything, even dribble on and not be told to shut up. Staring you down in the face and looking into your pretty eyes and having my heart feel like it was going to stroke. Life started going downhill from there for me - I have no idea what happened - the honey moon "period" was over apparently and things got worse. I was tired everyday, I was only doing things to keep other people happy - not the one thing that made me happy - which was you. I was so naieve that I thought you wouldn’t leave me and I was so naieve to think that you'd just sit there and wait for me to come home everyday - im sorry. I never meant for you to feel that way and its not until I look on it with regret now on how much of an idiot I was through that. You got sad, I couldn't tell what was going on and my negativity burderened me when I should of only helped you - I was too scared of the worldly view that in my heart I would of left that job in a heartbeat to be with you. It was a job, you know, everyone has one, but…..i don’t care for being normal and living in a relationship where it’s the same in and out - I want it to be - special. This repeated over several months, where I know your feelings towards me felt as if you were never worthy, or that I never loved you….I love you ever and ever without reserve. The more I have you the more I have loved. In every way, - even my jealousies have been agonies. The day we went to the airport we had breakfast, in my mind I wasn’t contemplating how hard this would be. 5 weeks in europe for you seemed like an eternity for me - and I was counting down everyday. Weeks in japan for you seemed like an eternity for me to a point where I had to be there with you - I wish I could of shared more with you that trip - I wish we could do that again. The past 5months had been the hardest of my life - the being alone - the being scared and my own mistakes had came back to haunt me after that morning I had woken up to hear the news that you were no longer wanting to be with me. I went over in my head for days my short comings and what I could of done. And there is a lot. It wasn’t until you were gone that I noticed - how stupid and an idiot I was towards anything - and left you in what I didn’t feel was neglect but was. I cannot apologise enough and deserved everything that happened to me. I vowed I would never make you unhappy or sad or ever feel unloved - but I did. It was my fault. Recently confused feelings have been passed around between us. I understand how hard it is for you. Its hard for me too. Being locked in a world where everything is the same except the one thing I relied on most. Relying on a keyboard to type the feelings I can only show through touch, movement and silence - now I am back going to your world - expecting to be let down by own shortfallings. If you would allow me too - start this over again, we can honeymoon "period" again I wish to show you everything I wanted to during my harsh time - I wish to show you everything a relationship and my heart can offer. I want nothing more than to see you happy in life - see you succeed - see you prosper and live a life full of joy. You are singuarly the best person I have ever sufficed to be in the presence of and I wish you nothing but a life you deserve.

I understand all you are going through - I do not care -life is life we all make mistakes and we all get confused - we all question people and we all question people we love / loved.

just stop saying jippy - man that pissed me off.

Yours Sincerely.
Jeremy xo.

important things are always the hardest to say.

2010-06-21T08:43:00.001-07:00

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

love is spelt t-r-i-c-k-y

2010-04-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

Im far away from everything i actually love. Im far away from realisation. Im far away from proving a point.

Love is maybe the harshest thing on earth, its like the emotional equivalent to crack cocaine, we'll stop at nothing to get a hold of its golden goodness, maybe we'll even go to other countries for it like what i am doing now.

Its quite hard to say how bad you are struggling when you want something so bad and yet dont want to dissapoint the person you love dearest, how do you say that without the fear of sounding too being attached, being attached is the last thing i want because it personally discourages the person from you, something i dont want.

I always stray from being personal on these, but today is an exception.

My day routine is this:

I get up
i work
i dont spend my money
i pay my rent
by the time this is done im physically and emotionally exhausted.
I go out with the same friend every week and also go to the same places i do to relax.

i work a job i hate and that i wont leave because i need the money to go see someone i feel just doesn't understand my situation.

i have had the worst 3 months of my life.

But i bunch that up. I bunch it up, cover it up and make everything look likes its dandy, who am i to shower people in my problems? And who am i to beleive anyone would like that bestowed upon. There is maturity and "maturity" a phrase which gets passed around alot and thrown around like a dirty football at a shitty sanfl game after the match has finished.

Yes saying these things to your partner may seem like the best choice, but i only want people to be happy. I never wish to put on my thoughtful cap and go over thoughts and ideas that may only be relevant to my state of mind at the time of conversation. Thats what happens, people will get effected by thoughts that have originated there and then, and they explode to a point where it is a big deal, next day you'll be going "wtf was i thinking" and you'll instantly retract that. Maybe you'll blow up, when you realise somebody just doesn't get it, somebody just doesn't get your agenda.

We are all scared of love.
We are all scared of what if.
We are all scared of it being too early.
We are all scared of wasting our lives.
We are all scared of ourselves withering away.

That is something we cannot help. Yet we try and cover up the inevitable with humor or happiness, and why wouldn't you.

Experiencing new emotions is like giving a child a toy with no instructions, you wont know what to do with it, but you'll play with them anyway to see what happens.

Ive felt loneliness before.
Ive never felt this loneliness before.

Its hard to show how much you care for someone when they feel so distant from you, and are so far away, they cant see you face, the tone in your voice, the emotions that go through your head, when they think everything is okay.

Everything is going well for them, experiencing new things, experiencing new friends.
Im stuck in the same cycle everyday, and i cant escape it.

And i do my best, and i do my best to always feel the same way i have always done about them, its just hard to know what they feel too, or whether theyve changed.

This will always sound like im way attached, but what is it without attachment?
there shouldnt be a mututal relationship, people should be joined at the hip in my opinion.

I still get butterflies everytime i think about them.
I still smile everytime i think about them.
I still miss her every minute every day, and if i didnt go out or try and forget about things, id be a wreck most likely.

I hope if you read this, you never take your partner for granted.
I hope if you read this, you will never make the mistake i did and get so far up into your own ass that it felt like they didnt matter until this happens and realise how important they really are.

There is not alot more i can do than sound like a sook and complain.

People think, we all think, we all think deeply into spirals where the mindset will eventually get worse and you'll be left with more what if's than a christian bible camp. You'll be left feeling vulnerable. You'll be left questioning every aspect of you life, love, and everything else and whether its worth it not and get into the worse mood probably ever.

I think its worth it. Only problem is it takes to two people to feel that, which is the hardest achievement of all.

I miss being told everything is okay. I dont have that comfort right now, i wish i did.

2010-02-06T21:32:00.001-08:00

so alot has happened since i last posted here.

its often quite scary to reflect on yourself after tafailure and its often quite hard to look at yourself and write about what you need to do.

but never do it.

i often compare myself to greatness which is many the problem with the pitfalls of life, and i think thats why we often have so many expectations, so many, hmmm, goals you wish you could achieve, but cannot break your mold, your psyche and your determination to do so, and you hold yourself back.

anyone can achieve greatness with the right amount of mental stimulation, determination and willpower to get through it.

i often look at my greatness idols, people like stephen fry and also my musical influences, like greg wilson, erol alkan and everyone else

and you often, at this age, something you want to do turns cenile very quickly as you cannot achieve thing as quickly as what you like, and you often doubt your abilities as you may not be as good as you are as something else.

you often blame something, something small, we are often scared.

Lately, and for some reason, i have been blaming my creativity on disorders, one that may seem like a curse but is actually a blessing, but also showing my emotion through anything.

this can be my outlet now i guess.

finding the "meaning of life" is often quite setting yourself up for something you never wished you did, you will never find it, but it is to make your own.

The meaning of life is your own intepretation of your own goals.
Whether it is to be successful, whether it is to be content, and i often find my friend seeming to cling on to irrational ideas that the world has set up these factors in order to boost the economy or something rediculously out of place.

Natural intrigue and study of our fascinations is what we should be achieving.
Sometimes, yes, our intrigues may be plagued by a mass media marketing "machine" so idiots seem to call it, but as you know, sometimes, your intrigues and fascinations earn you money, well that's good.

however i do not find any attraction, or any thing in working a shit job earning good money, like i do now.

I think the problem is i know so little about what i want to know about, it is often quite hard to get the whole picture, especially when that four letter word that seems to be the block of life that gets in the way. Love.

thats for later though.

cya

CBF

2009-02-26T08:33:00.000-08:00

Does anyone ever come to the terms that you are re-evaluating yourself everyday, you hear your voice in your head everyday, but you dont ever come to think about it as to "its a voice in your head", when you start questioning your mental capacity, things start to go haywire.

Im burdened with a condition that has its lows, and its highs (literally) caused by a certain chemical imbalance, this chemical imbalance, we fix with pills (much to my digression), i take a low dose, one that i feel comfortable with, rather than just talking or beating it out naturally, like i would normally do. there is a point where you are in a mindset for so long that you think like that for weeks...months, or inherently, til you get over it. This has only happened, ever since i got the news that i indeed have bi-polar.

This is where i question myself, my meds kicked in. and i felt normal, i felt....bored, i felt quite simply in internet terms "CBF". Im used, to having my head go at 100000 miles per hour, im used to obsessing about hobbies, im used to being jittery and anxious, that, be it non normality to some, is normality for me.

How can a person simply go from one change....to a dramatic halt, see all that energy, all that stuff you strive to get rid of, go away like that. for me, i cant.
sometimes you look at your downfall and question it, is it a burden, or is it a gift?
whenever im happy, im really happy, and beleive me i can keep myself there for a long time, ive surrounded myself with amazing people with no drama and i come to deal with drama with an open perspective, infact, i hardly feel sad, maybe i dont even know what is and dont even know, maybe its when im at my most irratible.

But this way, i get things done, i am passionate about things.

Although i question parenting sometimes, i would never, ever, put my kids if i had any on medication to alter imbalance. why, because i survived 17 years having lows and highs, and i learnt more, why tell someone there sadness is worse than everyone elses. to them, feeling sad is feeling sad. yes it lasts longer, but more than anything you can always cheer it up. kids need good parenting, if someone is too fucking lazy to get off there ass and spend time with there kids, than just throw pills at them, then dont be a parent. especially my own, the solution for anything from my mother is 'take more pills" or 'take these'. never 'want to talk about it?' 'what can i do to help'. never any of that.

hint:

once you step inside your home, youre a guardian, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father. spend time with your family, sometimes theyre the only thing you have, and overall the most important one too.

peace.

2009-02-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

fuck it. life is good.

coming at you from 5am. I decided, i'm going to finally nail my ass down and write an album. it is long overdue.

I will probably not get much sleep.
But, who the fuck cares.

more later.
now bed.

2009-01-13T09:36:00.000-08:00

Theres a time when you have to judge if you're delusional or just a failure. Ive been pretty close to having a mental breakdown these past couple of months but things seem to hopefully look like theyre getting better. Im not sure if its a good idea or maybe a bad idea to stop taking my medication for reasons being i feel it restricts me from being creative. Ever since the spiking and comedown, my head just hasnt been in the right place, i have no idea why, the thoughts and the feelings that embarked with me that week are still somehow in my head and i cant get them out they appear everyday and they make me want to tear my hair out. Theyre ruining everything i enjoy about music, my space, my time, practically my life.

It's been a real wakeup call to me these last couple months, i need to get out.
Now. Not out of life, not out of anything but just out the spots i keep getting into week in and week out. You know the people, the rooms, the places you are forced to see everyday and locked in, these spaces just keep reminding me of things that i dont want to remember.

There are friends i need to lose fast, there are places i need to stop going to. There are things i need to stop.

This has the been a realisation, you know, just quietly, ive always sort of thought id be somewhere by now, as if my musical ability could take me somewhere, turns out i cant write a song for shit and i feel as if i will never be able to write anything, hell i cant even listen to anything without getting jealous or something.

this fucking sucks.

hi im illogical thinking.

2008-12-02T05:47:00.000-08:00

so, what happens, ive been literally staring at this box thinking "i know i should type something" and i know how i feel in my stomach, but i dont know how to write it down.

Things are good, but terrible at the same time. there are alot of things ive been thinking about that i just dont want to take the wrong way, and im too much of a douche to actually clarify, because they're the sort of questions which make you seem like an idiot or something they dont see.

And it makes me wonder what people think of my issues on this, i never seem to talk about women, unless im yelling at them to get into the kitchen or something, but im a guy, i have my flaws, i have my "guy" mind that is a hopeless romantic. i seem very unmovable, i never bitch about anything to women, i never complain, i just like to make people laugh, that is my main purpose when socialising.

Relationships are something i try and steer from, as much as i like the emotional attachment, its everything else in it that is enjoyable but at the same time pure hell. Ive been trying to clarify with myself over and over why i get angry at things that other people wouldn't, and if you know me, im not an angry guy, im satirical and just sarcastic 98% of the time. That 2% of me, is a complete dolt, and i let that run over my life alot of the time.

There is someone, who i think is the best thing to ever happen to me, im glad theyre here, and i don't think i can write it about how many times i am head over heels for them, and in my effortless attempts in order to understand women, and yes, everyone thinks im right on the money when i write things about women, if you have read any of my other works about women, you will often see how i often treat them as sluts or complete ditz, which is not always true, but there is the same trait you see with them all that makes me just want to stay clear sometimes.

Women are not romantic, i dont see girls that are, and i am not the kind of guy, and it is not hard to beleive either that someone could like more than anything else, i do not see myself as someone who is better than the competition, so as much as it baffles me as to why this person supposedly likes me as much as they do, and as happy as it makes me whenever i see them smile, or stare me, i get the impression, that there is something i dont get, and it scares the shit out of me.

I find it pretty easy to pick up, i am not ugly etc and saturday was a testament to that, i had about 6-8 girls tuned from just talking to me, but i didnt do anything, because i am probably the most monogamous person on the planet, and i sat in the back getting drunk and just talkign to my friends about video games.

But at the back of my mind, the message that was sent to me the "you can kiss other girls if you want too i like you that much" thing, stuck there. what is that supposed to mean? What does that say about them? bam, the whole 'im gonna find out' thing happened. and i shouldnt. and i wont. because i trust them, but this happens with every other guy.

But look, im not a prude, im not someone who isnt down for exploring sexuality, beleive me i am, but i feel as if my whole relationship is being based on it, i cant think of kissing another girl, because i like someone one person, if you get what i mean. im just old school manogous, maybe that is boring, maybe being exciting with you sexuality is fucking someone else? but if you get to what im on about. it just probably tells me they dont like me as much as i like them, and that im probably not as fulfilling enough for them. im not sure how it is for women, but look at it this way.

There is so much more pressure on a guy when it comes to sex (this is form a virgin pov btw), there is size difference (which isnt so freaky for me now as it was), getting it up, and lasting etc when you fuck another person, you insult a guys sexual performance, it means hes not doing something right, for all we know that guy could be better and that stick to his brain like glue, and if youre someone who bases your relationship or a large portion on it on sexual performance, then you might as well castrate the guy, because he'll feel that way anyway.

you got child birth
we got the penis.

and lets face it. when ive been very good friends with someone for 2-3 years, i like to think i know alot of what there problems with was with ex's. and it sounds like the sex thing was pretty important or so it seems that way. so im supposed to be amazing first up?

chances are. i wont be. and i will probably try as hard as i will to actually figure it out, because, i dont like seeing them unhappy, infact, i'll go out of my way to do anything to make them happy.

but with the amount of people i have spoken to on this subject who have the experience, its always gonna be boring when the emotional connection is there, there is no perfect sex for you out there, and the most fulfilling time you will get will be with someone you like alot (i am refraining from love because i cannot stand that word...it is over used), that is what 100% of people over 24 tell me.

im not sure what to think. understanding my sexuality its weird, when im not in a relationship, im looking at porn near everyday, i look at girls all the time, i talk about girls all the time, i hook up with people, i receive stuff etc etc not because i treat women as objects, very very very far from that, im a male, i have urges, they need to be dealt with.

but when im in a relationship it changes, its just about them for me, and its weird?
most probably, im into exploring stuff, but with them. not with other people, because i dont feel as if kissing someone else could give me the same satisfaction and care that the one i like could.

Argh, all in all, i should make a disclaimer for her saying:
i dont want to make it boring for you, i dont want you to base this whole thing on that, i will never cheat on you, i will never put another girl before you, im with you for a reason that i want to be with you, not anyone else.

that is the reason i think things over before i agree to be in relationship, ive made mistakes in the past with them, and learnt from them, this is the one thing i dont see as mistake and i dont want it to fuck up.

maybe im bad at relationships in general.

prolly more scared than usual.

2008-11-21T22:48:00.000-08:00

so.

this isnt normally the place where i often indulge into my romantic / shitty side, but today i will, because ive been wanting to say this shit but i dont feel as if people deserve to bear the burden to hear it.

i got back into a relationship, and i cant say i have been in one for a while, or one that actually meant as much to me as this one, i normally stay clear from the whole area really, they just never pan out the way you want them to or im too much of an idiot. but, you know when you like someone so much that it effects your ability to talk how you used to before, i fear thats happening and its going to go down the same path it did before. i dont want that :/ maybe its just me but im just not good at this at all. but its something worth it for.

wow im such a girl. i wish i could date a computer sometimes. thatd rule. its sort of weird how im really happy yet stressed at the same time :<

i hate jazz musicians and jazz fans.

2008-11-11T03:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that every single jazz musician is an asshole (cept shawn lane and allan holdsworth of course) and the only thing going from them is there awesome fans who probably is just university students studying jazz because no one else thinks its cool.

I heard this shit in high school all the time, and all the horrible musicians would stand up and look at me as if what i was saying wasnt true.

"hey guys, you should check out this drummer, hes pretty good"

"NO HES NOT HES NOT USING ANY SOUL".

wtf is soul. when you play music, your soul is not attached, infact, there no such thing as a soul so obviously i dont grasp the intellectual capability in order to sit around with your coffee sipping friends to get what the hell it means.

Just because some plays with groove doesnt mean hes better than everyone else, it doesnt make him better than a guy who is technically better than he is, could you ever imagine a drummer 'grooving' to death metal. no, because it would look stupid, just like people whenever they to overrule peoples opinions by saying jazz musicians are better.

i'll tell you one thing about jazz musicians, if soul is so important what ever stopped you fucks about learning every note on the keyboard and playing what you hear in your head, not on a piece of paper, if everyone went to university and got a degree in 'music'. A degree in music is like getting a degree in retardation because there is no point in learning how to play jazz if you want to be a musician, if you want to be a teacher, go for you life. but if youre good at an instrument, why cant you just use your head instead of a pen.

i never bothered learning theory and im glad i didnt because its a "creative barrier".
i know what my keyboard soundss like, i know what my guitar sounds like, i can creatively connect what is in my head to what i am writing.

THAT IS CALLED BEING A MUSICIAN. NOT SHOOTING UP SMACK AND BLOWING DOWN A TUBE.

im fair sure if you went up to alot of talented musicians and asked do you know theory alot of them would say "no not really". because theory is fucking boring.

No one cares for coltrane because he was a coke snorting faggot who probably blew more cocks for coke than he did blowing on his instrument.

If you love music, love it, dont become such a fucking technifag where all that matters is technicality, because blowing around on a scales and modes isnt exactly soul say compared to a metal musician like yngwie malmsteen who clearly shows emotion when playing his music.

please grab that ruled book and slap yourself in the face.
thanks.

NOBODY WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SEX

2008-11-11T01:54:00.000-08:00

Because you have nothing else interesting to talk about i presume you like me hearing about who you had sex with and how good she was etc, if i wanted to find out how good she was, im pretty sure i would go up and sleep with her because 99.999999% of the time its going to be easy to do.

You know there is nothing more interesting about sex youre having, because you tlaking about it is going to get me aroused to point of blowing my load all over the keyboard. Unless you bent your cock or she turned out to be guy, i dont care so please refrain from filling my ears full of turd that will eventually link to my brain and turn it into a toilet like the 95% of you.

Like wow, morality is in great shape these days isnt it. Like, really, was with a friend today who not only admits to cheating on his girlfriend, but enjoys it. I mean seriously, grats man, i feel really happy to know youre a complete asshole!

if you have a girlfriend, stay loyal. its not hard if youre not one of the people that gets all confused about what they want and just end up picking the first thing. i dont get the whole "i want to cheat on my girlfriend" if you want to cheat on her....then why are you going out? oh QQ she doesnt satisfy me sexually etc. well shit manages to get through if you managed to look past your jewish ego and actually tell her that you feel that way. what is it with people just concerned with THEIR problems and THEIR beliefs because youre the only one that fucking matters?

let me tell you, youre probably not.

quite frankly 90% of relationships guys stand there with there dicks in the wind, and just complain about retarded shit and so do women. no youre not getting those shoes and if you say it one more time im popping you in the mouth.

Get with the fucking program, i dont want to hear women problems on the phone, i dont stare at the phone all day waiting for you to call, i dont get all excited when you do because half the time its nothing intelligable or not even funny, not even entertaining. Half the time if your life sucks, what am i supposed to do? offer you counselling? like if someone dies, or if someone dumped you.
What am i going to do? revive them? tell you that it was a practical joke and theyre coming alive, BEING SAD IS NORMAL SO GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

If you have problem there is only one guy that can solve this:

maury fucking povich.

boyfriend cheated on you? get maury to give that cheating honky a paternity test.
think mum adopted you? get maury to give that cold hearted foster parent a dna test.
feeling depressed? maury will shower you in gifts.
Have no limbs? maury will grow you a pair with his powers.
not pretty enough? maury will make you over with his eyes.

There is nothing maury CANT do with, and with a smile like that, who couldnt.

Now that i think about it, maury is gandalf.

despite the fact that the lord of rings sucked, they could of totally revived the movie if they made a sequel that was just maury getting DNA off every motherfucker in middle earth. It wouldnt make much sense, but itd be more exciting than jamming my dick between 2 razor posts like the movies made me want to do.

Womens problems are called womens problems for a reason, theyre WOMENS problems because no MAN wants to hear it probably not even maury, especially not me and im technically not a girl til 9pm so dont bother.

if your relationship life fails then maybe you shouldnt base your ideals on TV shows and make your own sense of morality up like the rest of history have done, what happened to us too.

I am going to patent a pair of glasses that sense most bullshit women are saying to me:

heres a picture:

they look like normal glasses because they are normal glasses, because most of the time when my female companions like to complain its fairly obvious to see bullshit. If only i could filter out sexual proposition and i would be set.

laters.

on a serious note. sorry!

2008-10-12T06:37:00.001-07:00

i feel as if i need to write this, im just trying to say alot of shit and for some reaosn, one of the only ways i can do that is via guitar on writing it down.

its probably way to long for people to read.

but

i think now, ive reached a point where im pretty disgusted with alot of shit i do.

i know many people often face this crisis some point in there life where they go:

"hey lets stop"

and its coming to a point every week where i disgust someone, piss off someone, make someone upset, do something completely stupid to the point where people do not want to be affiliated with me or be in my general area.

every week i find myself apologising for what i do, what ive taken, what i end up feeling like after what ive taken etc.

and im at that point, where im actually doing damage, to myself, my relationships and overall 3rd person view of me.

ive lost the respect from so many people these past weeks and its somewhat stupid.

when it comes to people offending you, it was probably yourself that caused it, not them.

we often blame other people, situations for everything we do.

and what is it exactly were proving. nothing really, just a scapegoat.

but when i look at it, im fair tolerant. i never complain to anyone. i never have. ive never found a reason to complain. then you find yourself in a situation where you feel as if youre losing friends / respect / and overall grip on alot of things, and the only thing you can ever whinge to, is your head. or your keyboard. or soem guy in another country.

not that i like whinging, i even hate saying this shit right now, i feel as if someof my mates will change there opinion for the worst upon seeing this.

all i try to do is to not get on the badside of people, to keep them smiling, but not get to the point where i have to degrade myself in order to do it. there are certain things i dont think i could ever change about myself in order to do things.

this happens with everyone, this happens with alot of people, how you'll change just to be with people.

im not a loud person, so why do we try to be with certain people?

im not a bad person, so why do people seem to think you /i am when i hang out with people?

im not a un-intelligable person, so why do i degrade myself to the point where i stoop to an all knew low?

im not a disgusting person, yet i act that way for some ungodly reason..... but i just speak it.

even some people just know me when im drunk.

and now, i have to live with the fact that now that some people who i respect dearly, think im all of the above. the point where alot of people probably think im a complete tool.

it get annoying trying to act.

so what causes that? what causes you or me to do such a dumb thing as to realise the fact that youve grown out of things, and have to act in order to socialise. and its probably, what you want as an opinion, tolerance per se.

i find it weird when someone goes 'youre interesting' when i just stop to talk about what i like doing, what i research, what i do in my spare time, explaining philosophy on things.

im probably not alone here when i say its weird to not think of yourself as boring to someone else.

its makes you wonder what people had taken you for in the first place.

you always wish you could erase time and go back to an earlier point where things were actually decent, and i dont, i like everyone ive met and im glad everyone is here.

fair sure i need to get over the fact, im not really an amazing dude, and not everything im the best dude ever, im not the guy people look up to, im not someone who respected immensely.

and thats actually pretty decent.

this is officially the gayest thing ive probably ever written.

thanks for the pointers on life captain obvious.

@ mac users.

2008-08-12T06:52:00.001-07:00

firstly, this goes to the mac users in the house (probably not a house, probably your parents or 'studio apartment' where you do all your fucking lame designs from)

1. shut the fuck up.

you just dont shut up, you go on about
'oh my mac can do this' ,
'omg it goes with my iphone'
'ah pcs are dum u get like teh BSOD just randomly'

I) you cant get BSOD randomly, it happens from badly written coding or unstable hardware, it also triggers from retardation which is probably why youre so used to seeing it all the goddamn time. fuck off.

lets take a look here. my sisters mac cost her $2450. now seeming macs uses pc hardware now and just a bullshit os.

24" monitor = $550.
3.06ghz core 2 duo (macs havent reached quad core yet, IT CAME OUT 2 YEARS AGO FUCK) = $300
4gb DDR2 667 (wow 667mhz ddr2?!?! oh wait we have 1600mhz DDR3 now?!) $ 70
500gb 7200rpm drive (grats on slow rotation speed) = $80
8800GTS = $150

Thats about half of what you pay for, so grats, youre paying another $1000 ontop for an operating system thats just about as useless as sticking my dick into a bees nest, although im fair sure bee nest pain arousal seems alot more satisfying than having to deal with mac OSX.

For that price i could build a pc that not only looks like its my own and not like some arthouse fags dinner table with a webcam built into it, heaven forbid i could actually upgrade it too, BUT WHO WOULD WANT TO UPGRADE SOMETHING, ITS JUST TOO MUCH TIME CONSUMING.

ii) iphones are the worst fucking thing in existance, i have a guy in my tafe class who is the typical mac user.

- unemployed
- into indie music
- a complete fuckhead
- wears fedora
- rollerblades into the sunset with his gay partner on sundays

does everything on his iphone because he looks trendy while doing it. last time i checked, if youre wearing a fkn scribe shirt and a bright blue hat the last thing youre gonna be is trendy, fuckhead.

and you know what i noticed, it takes him fucking forever to do anything on that thing, to send texts, to do anything, a 'phone' should do, but its not a phone, its an 'i'phone, so im gathering that i just fills in the void for 'fucking retarded' remember the movie irobot? this is fucking the same metaphorically, i only saw that movie because it had will smith with my hopes that id somehow see charlton in there, well charlton wasnt there either, now picture people buying iphones with the hopes of buying a proper (charlton) phone. ITS JUST NOT THERE.

Watching him send a text message looked like he was trying to repeatedly kill his phone. Not sure if mac picked up on this new technology lately but alot of phones lately hhave been using things more advanced than the igays 'tap screen' allowing me to actually feel the keys that i press WHILE IM PRESSING THEM. the technology is called 'touch' it allows me to do things like call lewis without staring at my screen like a moron, wait a sec, every other mobile has it, its called 'buttons'.

i dont need to bring up some big fucking other keyboard on my screen to type in random shit either, i simply (shift+3) in order to get a number! not sift through 3 pages of smudge in order to get a character.

i cant send pictures of my dick to people on an iphone either, points lost in pedophile market = over 9000.

This guy also goes on about how hes part of the 'mac community'
what the fuck is that shit?! mac community?!
like since when did owning a goddamn mac turn into being a social movement apart from being a large congregation of a bunch of buttfucking retards.

i was watching earlier today on techTV what steve jobs (approriate name because i get the feeling that my dick is getting a job while i hear him talk)
was saying, he says the iphone is an:
"iPod, a phone, and an "Internet communications device."

wow, those are some fancy words right there, people seem to think that ipod is suddently different because it has the words 'i and pod' in it, when it essentially works out to be "portable hard drive that plays mp3's"
doesnt sound so cool now does it....

internet communcations device! holy shit! thats some hot new technology RIGHT THERE! IT REALLY IS.

who knows weve had browsers on mobile phones since 2001 D:

does this mean my pc im using can be considerd as:
- a clock
- a calendar
- a pornography storage device
- a video player
- a word processor

the only reason i would get a mac would be for final cut pro, thats pretty much, adove suite runs about 1% faster on a mac, holy shit! photoshop renders faster on a mac? wow, when im photoshopping tits and beards onto my families faces come christmas time ill be sure to do it on a mac to get it done that biollionth of a second quicker!

o lawds

2008-07-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

wow ive really lost the ball! i used to be funny man, I USED TO BE COOL.
i used to be fucking fonz in my own caved in head, i just checked, i have a dent in my head, the asteroids are crashing into my goddamn cranium, if that even IS the right place at all, its like my mums vagina skin was like a metal door and just slammed on my head on the way out or something.

which brings me to my next point.
where did i lose the ball ey, like i swear to god where did my hyperactivity go!
im glad i quit the fags (how good is my use of large capitals, its getting something massive across i tell you, seriously this will change your life, send me money, send me goats, send me anything and i'll send you back nothing in return!...unless its a dildo which i'll prolly send pics back of me using it) got some visit from the bigass abscess in my mouth and was like 'NUP YOU ARENT DRINKING, SMOKING, OR ANYTHING AT ALL'. (so i quit).
i was like fair enough mate, calm down, were all men here, we'll resolve things quietly.
YET WE DIDNT. infact my own mother told me i have cancer in order to quit smoking.

now lets get things straight, dont you think its TAD hypocritical for someone to tell me to quit when they smoke more than you. i mean smoking is bad. stay away kids or your the packet will wake up and molest you like my uncle roy did 2 years ago at long beach.....or thats what he used to call it, i still remember it every time i take a big shit.

i cant even get a job either, im not sure if i should write 'i got molested give me a job' over and over and over ontop of the resume in order to give me a job. infact i have no references, who invented this shit to put on resumes for people who havent had a job before.

'hi this dude is a top bloke, yea, bit lazy sometimes, wanks in the toilets, but yeah apart from the toilet paper shortage hes pretty good, bit of a dickhead though'

thats heaps gonna get me a job isnt it. like do i have to be a fucking nuclear physicist in order to get at foodland, i mean CMON you stack shelves for goodness sake, what on EARTH are they gonna use as a reference. just look at me, im the walking image of a perfect candidate.

or maybe i need to get some skank pregnant! they always hire women that have little kids named like 'tyrone' or 'tupac' or 'chasity' or something thats meant to sound modern but comes out completely retarded. i dont know how kids grow up that way, i grew up with the last name 'cocks' which pretty much means in "year 1 terms" a bunch of dicks and dicks meaning penis.
anyways, after year 2 i think it got over used a bit, lots of little kids still say that to me when im walking down the street, then look down and realise my cock is out.

i often hear the word a couple more times at the police station, not MY fault my fucking fly is down, i love it how people dont tell you embarassing things nowaday unless they know you, walking down a shopping mall with my stained underpants hanging out the front and NOT ONE 'dude, package isnt ready for delivering yet'. nah i can tell by the way theyre looking at my package. which i thought was just people checking me out, infact i thought i was hot as shit, even guys were staring down there, its like when your fly is down, why dont i just have a pair of pants that has a fucking huge red light and siren that goes off when it is or it vibrates, infact id prolly keep the fly down if it did that.

men dont need pockets. not explaining why either, its not good getting aroused when im handing change out at my local kfc where the hostess has no doubt prolly seen her fair share of a chicken bone but like..........yeah.

LOL i said bone.
top stuff.

anyways back to jobs, as i was saying pregnant people get advantage.
thats the one advantage of being pregnant, chicks go on and on and on about being pregnant.
they dont understand guys have to go through sheer amounts of estrogen flowing from there mouths into our earlobes which evidentally makes us deaf after 2 years of marriage.

'jeremy, wheres the tax returns?!!?'
'mmmmm, wait, whats that vibration?!'

seriously, pregnant women get a luxury.
of not only having their vagin stretched to the size of a small fist, which by the looks of ALOT of videos ive seen on the net doesnt seem too hard to do, ive seen pictures of heads up their (which i 'stumbled across' on 4chan) and the woman was enjoying it.

but that seems sorta weird...like, getting aroused by pushing a baby out wouldnt it.
like, sex is SORTA like getting a baby out just different nouns!
instead of 'im coming' during birth it translates into 'its coming' and instead of 'go harder' its 'push harder' and instead of 'give me head' its 'i can see the head'.

i could go all day on that one. but yeah, twice ive been distracted, but pregnant women get seats on buses, they ALSO get to pussywhip their husband for 9months unless hes a complete cockbend, in which case its her fault for not buying the 'premium' plastic bags and extra strong rubber bands in the first place.

im not pro abortion, but im pro abortion if the case is the mutant offspring of some salisbury bus stop scrag who got pregnant from sitting on the bus seat there, and beleive me i wouldnt be surprised if that could happen down there, something is in adelaide water and im gonna find out what, because ive drunk nothing but water for 6 days and i havent been pissing blood like i normally do....thats normal right?

also, pub nights are great, i dont say this often enough, but theyre good when youre with someone decent and doesnt bitch about his relationship problems.

a bad scenario:
'SEE JEREMY, THAT ONE OVER THERE, SHES MINE, DONT TOUCH'
'well, like, i cant guarantee that, youre not dating her are you'
'WELL I JUST MET HER, SO I CALL DIBS'

yeah, fuckhead. i really think this guy, who will rename nameless, is just gonna straight out blow his load in the first 10seconds to which finally gets laid. infact, i havent even engaged in intercourse and i may or may not have spurted out that 'i have' a couple times when i was drunk to not look like a tool or even look cool, (but when you are actually convinced that a girl has even touched my chasity belt by me you gotta think to yourself if youre mentally retarded or not, if you do beleive me, please check yourself into the local mental hospital please) but i dont go 'oh man, need a gf so badly, so lonely without one omg brb red rooster'

when you think about it, you have a computer.
thats the best woman in the world.
the girl (or horses in some cases) on the screen doesnt tell you its that time of the month, shes revving to go at all times!
she even changes ethnicity each week! she even changes cup sizes! and she can tickle your fancy just right, and she use lube or no lube.

i think my perfect girl, would be a deaf chick. just no talking. at all.
just sign language and the occasional 'buh no football here'.
you dont need to explain why she needs to do things either, just point to kitchen and she'll understand.

i wonder if they have erotica in those little dot reading things.

ah, ive written too much.

im gonna go for a job tomorrow and i prolly wont get it!
sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

old people in general

2008-07-06T05:58:00.001-07:00

dont get me wrong, ive only really ever liked my grand mother as the eldery, every one else. well im just gonna flat out and say nothing really, because thats what my mind is doing every time i have go over things with them.

first off, the world if no different to how it was 50 years ago.
world war ii has officially finished so you dont have to be scared about fucking bombs dropping off in your garage, youre now officially allowed to think for yourself and women can vote, times are gradually getting worse along with their , or did they just stop caring now that weve invented technology that not only shits, pisses and breathes for them, but heaven forbid THINKS for them too.

i didnt have technology when i was 5 years old, pretty sure i managed to figure that out soon enough.

for example:
"jeremy the internet isnt working"
"no probs one sec"
"jeremy....which thing do i click"
"this one"
"which one"
"the one with 'computer' on it"
"i dont see it"
"k im pointing at it now"
"oh i still dont see it....can you do it?"
"look mum its simple....wait, why is the resolution at 320x240 on a 19" monitor"
"oh i cant see it otherwise"

i cant even see out of one eye, and let alone the eye i can see out of is long sited to fuckery; and do i put my monitor at 320x240 so i can stare at each pixel individually on a 24" screen right now, no, i swear when im using that computer its like im playing that memory game where i match up the picture to the one i just saw, but im sure if i could convince them to use a larger resolution i could probably convince the marshmellows im eating to triple in size and take me on a magic trip to the sherbet kingdom and play the fife with the king and id live in a complete candy utopia. but that wont happen.

also.
when i ask for the bus time, or if the bus has gone past, i say it nicely and stuff, but what i dont do after i ask is carry on for about 15minutes about how the bus was SUPPOSED to be here as soon as you were and that the timetable is wrong and that you have craft dinner to attend too and then talk about your son, THEN tell me what he does, sure alot of the time, im really intrigued in listening, when will it be my turn to say
"oh i just wanna get home so i can play some video games, bitch about my son, and then maybe fingerbang my asshole before i go to sleep".

maybe they should just drives hursts around as buses to be a bit more accompanying, and when the driver tells them where theyre going he just does a really cackling laugh instead.
that would make me happy.

and dont get me started on those stupid internet groups that are all like 'super internet grans' as if using the internet was something to accomplish, fuck if i realised that talking in a chatroom to people my own age was something to accomplish i wouldnt be proud of it. half the people on the internet dont even want to SAY theyre in chat rooms, i sure as hell dont want people to know what i get up to on the internet as id probably get arrested for god knows what.

i really hope i dont turn retarded when i grow older because then when i stumble across this page (most probably by fate or looking for young boys to prey on) and then go it pixel by pixel still using 320x240 on a 70 inch monitor because i cant see it otherwise, that i dont give a shit about living anymore.

now that i think about it....im pretty ignorant.
HOORAH.

2008-06-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

no one is happy.
everyone i talk to. something is wrong.
their parents suck, their boyfriend suck, their girlfriends suck, their life sucks, they cant be bothered doing anything.

makes you think, you never will be will you.
hell, even millionaires arent happy. no one will be, no matter how they show it.
and even now, you can tell they have a side to them they all secretly hate.

didnt i explain this last time. i think i did.
nothing has changed then really then.

i feel like im losing a sense of myself.
i copy everything. i dont know why, i feel myself wanting to be myself 2 years ago.
when everything wasnt so shit. like you get to that point, that, everything you do.
isnt funny, isnt creative, isnt good at all.

i cant even write / draw / paint / write songs aymore. it really shits me.
i always...infact, EVERYONE has aspirations that when they get there job or finally get something down its gonna be amazing, its gonna be great.

for me, thats if i ever get off my ass to do it.
and hopefully i will. im sick of being secluded in my room really.
i hate my company now.

but on that note, sometimes i dont.
i go out and find how preppy and retarded people are.
that argue over the stupidest shit, or whinge about the dumbest crap.

sometimes i really just want to tell them how dumb they are, and im surpried i didnt on saturday, like i dno.

im going to bed, editing this in time befre people read it imo.

latel

how to eat my own head.

2008-04-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

sorting conflict out can be hard.
but rewarding.

over the past couple days i realised , my family is very confused.
i know every person in the world thinks theyre the only sane person in it.
i feel like that haha.

i can't really describe what im trying to say at the moment as its all really really....bollocked up!
i'll paint it this week, i'll show how it goes later.

2008-04-15T01:11:00.000-07:00

Hmm, you know when you reach that point in the year, or even month, when you cant just figure out what youre missing?

just a feeling of "do something".
or " get this ".
"i need this" in order to be happy.

something around them lines. i think i reached that point from this year.
a bit early too i guess, buti have no idea what i want from my life at the moment, ive tried diong anything but i get bored and go away from it.

you know, the whole thing. its horrible. because you end up sitting there just complaining or thinking you should do something but actually cant? even trying to explain how i feel is actually harder than doing it probably, but then you think.
you have everything you need, i have everything i need.
i have a job, i have an education, i have friends, i have health, i have alot of things which people would be envious of.....but we as humans are still unhappy with that.

And so i am really, im sort of annoyed at the fact that i am always the guy people talk to when they have problems, im a block, pretty much a drone, as if i have experience or something you know, i have no idea, i like making people happy and why wouldnt i.

And when people important to you just stop talking to you as soon as you fixed the problem, sweet. I normally dont write posts that will normally seem upsetting, i actually hate them myself, but i love to cover things up as if im trying to be funny or it doesnt matter. everyone does it.

Im sure if i stripped you off every single barrier i would find someone who is as scared and pissed off as everyone else in the population. and im sure if youre reading this you will know what im talking about.
there is something youre scared of, there is something you hate or want out of life, like everyone.
you dont know where youre going but aslong as you have a magic carpet and a drink along the way its okay.

i really wish i had a best friend or something to handle this with or something. im actually lacking that quality :)
maybe i dont need one lols.

even sitting here right now, im trying not to write something down that would make me seem a little bit sadder, because it sounds so cliche it sounds so........stupid to me.
having a partner is something everyone complains to me about, and i help, as if i have experience. tbh, im one of those people that doesnt really go for someone unless i like them alot. hell i dont even kiss, flirt, or do anything with any other women if i like someone, not even drunk.
which is sorta dumb tbh but meh. anyways as i was saying, this is what im trying to avoid saying, "i want someone". and it really embarasses me to say that. i dont know why, but it does, alot of people know me as someone who doesnt give a shita bout it. but hey sure i do, like anyone else.

i go out with friends to pubs or clubs and they seem to focus on being themselves, its justs, girls girls girls. and you gotta looka t our society.

its like animals, but animals dont have the shallow counterparsts we do, they dont go 'hey the dolphin is pretty, i want her to be my mate' no its just instinct....we have to put up with self esteem and image, and i think that is worse part about it all, its that part that hurts a person more than anything. "am i good looking enough""am i pretty enough" is what everyone is asking themselves, when it really shouldnt matter.....but it does. ha.

who are the happiest people you know.
people with relationships?
people with cash and cars or whatever?

thats a trick question because theyre not, no one is in terms happy. theyre 'content'.
i could say im content, i just want more :)

1st time talking about it.

2007-12-17T09:35:00.001-08:00

so i turned 18!

youd think i would of like hit a time paradox smashed my face open and look a little bit older.
well i dont, i still look 12, which is good i guess. nothings changed, and everything sucks.

and do you wanna know why! because everything that was good s now legal and i don get anything out of it anymore.

i mean, i tried jacking of too 2 lesbians today, didnt do.
then i though i might try something illegal, so i snorted some cocaine, and then i had sex with a 10 year old, and nothing really seemed to phase me.

IVE SEEN IT ALL IVE LEARNT EVERYTHING.

i think, no i havent.

so what did i do to celebrate this glorious occasion, i played wow. and went out for dinner.
my life is so fascinating! it really is! like that day i farmed 900g. and got me some primal fires.

i cant really find that rush you know, its like, i dno. its like, i'll get up really fast from my chair unexpectedly or sit on my toilet and try and time when it comes out.

you hit that age and everything seems so unreal and so, shit? you know, lucy from next door isnt hot anymore and had kids from some bald nazi guy named hannah, the beatles suck and franky goes to hollywood isnt at number 1 anymore.

its really amazing like, when you see how little you have. you dont want to look, i dont want to look, the only thing i can think of is too probably eat less cheesy snacks.

and yeah. paly more guitar and eventually DO something.

hmm, i wish i had something to do.
a job.
something that made me feel important atleast.

if you havent noticed i just took a change of feeling when i first wrote this blog.
i took the time out to go through some old photos on my pc, and i miss....ergh gonna sound gay writing this, but i miss, her.

the one person i really connected with on all levels, who i could talk to endlessly the one person i actually really, im not using the word you think im gonna use.....liked.

i havent been on this topic for a while but its the only part of living i never really like talking about because its dumb as and most of it will probably be explained to me in 2 seconds rather than bullshitting about it for 2 paragraphs.

everyone i know, is looking for someone.
i recently spoke to my ex and the first thing she said when i asked what was up was.
'boys'

not caring about the situation i pretty much said 'why', i never got an answer back.
carrying on i went to a new conversation with someone, which ended up about the same attraction. is it really that important to people?

Whatever people want to do physically doesnt interst me. but it seems like the best things to do?

im more interested in just talking or whatever, im a fag :/

im nto saying its good, but 90% of the time ive been in a relationship ive literally just did it because they were good looking.

sometimes i feel that im really stupid, or just really smart, but im starting to think alot of people just complete fucktards with no regard for anyone, most guys i meet are complete wankers.
who are just as mentally retarded as they are socially.

its a touchy subject for me, and i gather last couple sentences made no sense at all.

but what im trying to say is, i have yet to find someone that i am head over heels for.
i dont want to sound like im pro, but i havent met anyone except one person that likes everything i do or can even connect with me or get me.

maybe most guys like me have a different side to them, maybe trying to look like a complete toss and trying to impress girls works haha.

or maybe im a fool to think im the only person who has realised this.

but i think, im just scared, every girl, i have ever liked.... and by liked i mean wanting to spend every second with them, leaves me, or loses interest and goes for the other guy.
everytime. you wouldnt think that would batter my confidence. but it has. alot.

there. i said it, its happened everytime, and ive tried ever avoiding saying that shit to anyone.

is it their fault. no. its probably mine, but i really dont think its much trying for anymore.

g'night, hopefully i can write something more relevant tomorrow and makes more sense.
it was worth a shot.

2007-10-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

focusing on something for a long time can be hard.
focusing on what you want to do with your life is harder.

as a kid, you think youre going to be what you want to be. i love that desire kids have to do what they want to do, be where they want to be, nothing will stop them.

then you get to this age, and realise, its hard. its boring, and most likely changed.

ive learnt this year that the people youre around influence you, it took me a long time to realise that, and i think this time im finally cutting off the people that are making me miserable.

i always wondered if moving to england next year would be a good oppurtunity, and everytime i think about it, my chest somehow stops being squashed, like, all this tension, will go away, it'll be 20,000 miles away. starting new, making new friends, making new oppurtunity's.

when i was back in bath earlier this year i realised how much that place is me, how much i relate to the people there, how i....fit in. not to say i dont here, but im isolated.

while i was in rome i snuck out of my hotel room at 3am to see the trevi fountain while nobody was there, the water, the calmness, you NEVER got to appreciate the wonder of that place until youre alone without the american tourists and the noise, i got to self reflect on everything. being by yourself with one of the most beautiful man made carvings ever produced packs alot of wind into you, and while i was there i wrote things in my diary (not online one lul) which meant alot to me, it just filled me with something that made me happy. being by myself, everything is far away, and i didnt have to worry about anything. big or small. beauty was 3m infront of me and i took it all in.

i have never had that feeling in my whole entire life. just that freedom, that......sense of, myself.

and im thinking not alot of people do. or do they.

im addicting to day dreaming, i feel at home when im outside, looking up at the sky and thinking to myself every possible outcome of what i could possibly do in this mediocre existance.

then it hits me.
nothing.

everything we live for. everything we strive for. everything we put our whole lives towards.
...is love. to be loved. to feel loved. to have someone love you.

i gurantee you every feeling you will have that makes you want to breathe the air in through your nose and close your eyes and feel the sense of embrace upon you, will be by yourself.
alone. with all the hopes you have inside your head. when everything is far away, and you sit back and bathe in the simplicity of earth and human existance, will be the best feeling in the world. with every possible emotion surrounding you.

the outside i feel as if the sky is my only friend, that these imaginery feelings i have are the comfort i long for.

then im back to reality.
and im falling. the implications of school. the love i long for that i dont have. the things in life i want that i cant have. all just burst infront of me.

but you have to ask yourself.
couldnt you be happy without all of it, without technology, without school, without jobs.
just you. just simplicity.

i dont know where im going with this.
but alot of people seem to tell me, the happiest they ever are is when they are with there mates, at gigs. at whereever.

and the happiest i have ever been has been by myself 20,000 miles away from anything i know.

the inetible teenage relationship

2007-08-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

you know.

i always get up myself for a little bit.

they say you cant have sadness without happyness first, without that great thing to take away you know. but the funny thing is, this has happened to me to many times.

i like to think as myself as somewhat different, i like to think as everyone i meet a unique person, they are, but when it comes down to it, everyone is the same shallow small minded person you'll see on the television set, magazine covers, myspace photos whatever, they'll ditch you for the once chance they get with someone who has more.....dont even try and say no, if they had the chance to go for someone better looking, they will.

I dont see myself as the most awesome guy ever, im quiet. i wish to be left alone, i wish i could actual like, live in here, by myself. with my posessions, its all i'll need, i'll occasionally visit the family, and say things to them, but other than that, i have my own here.

hermit. maybe, but maybe i dont like this place too much, if you think about it, everything i enjoy is everything that pisses me off at the same time, i hate world of warcraft, and im gonna say im addicted to it, i am, every chance i get i play, talk, about it. its insane.

every chance i get to speak or paly on the internet i will. i ahte it, i see everyone suceeding, people who are probably stupider than i am intellectually, but theres this brick wall, this lazyness i cant get rid of which is fucking itself inside of me and i cant get it out.

sometimes, i wish i wasnt to shy. and sometimes i wish i could change myself for that person.
and i can go on about the "you shouldnt change yourself for someone" thing, and i wish i didnt have too, and the funny thing is, i didnt change for someone, and i liked them, and they liked me back, but someone "prettier" came along, and i threw that away for the puppet.

im shallow, and i always will be, thanks.

this isnt a relationships suck, its a life has its down, it sucks. im sure i'll overcome this tomorrow.
i feel sick.
thanks.

2007-07-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

so....

im in rome right now on part of my holiday. its actually probably the best place ive been in. this place is absolutely amazing. dont really wanna say that. but yeah, im shit.

these 4 days have been the only good one and im starting to think that there has been alot of things untold in my family for a while that ive been tottally oblivous about, my sisters always go off at my mum and my sister is an alcoholic and....thinks went down this week which totally caught my by surprise. i sit there wishing i was closer to my 40 year old sisters but i dont really think its gonna work, im closer with my brother sam because i grew up with him, i didnt with them. yet they piss and moan about me being spoiled? oh well. thats there beleif but everything that is worth of value to me i got a job and got so like yaeh, but most importantly, dont diss my mum, they had a go at her about everything, i dont know why, but my mum has been raiding kids since she was 16 and shes done a fkn good job as a single parent to raise them, now she is married, and had us and stuff, i got the luxury of a dad though.

as for italy.
but im fair sure every 1\2 women is hot here. now mum keeps asking me to get a mettro haicut.
YEAH I WILL AND IàLL GET A PINK SHIRT AND ALL THAT LUL.

no. just no.

anyways. this place doesnt even have a pool, and it looks like the mansion from resident evil. i found that funny. but yeah, people keep giving me weird looks here, and im all like akjdskajda. but yeah. hotel is prolly good and shit. but the thing i hate most here.

AMERICANS.

AMERICANS

AMERICANS

noisy complaining rude NASAL people who dont stfu.
they are fucking everywhere here, i know i might be a bit stupid here, but omg some of them are so retarded when it comes to other cultures, and these kids are just fucking rude. anyways, im trying to pickup italian and im alright at it actuallly. but yeah back to americans, they suck, i want them to die. get a new voicebox too because you suck anus.

kthnxbye theyre complaining at me right now to get off the internet.
brb laptop.

2007-06-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

Well my uncle came over this week.
Hey, and he took my room, how about that, not only has mine got the most stuff in it, but my own bathroom, so like, imo, he should take some other room, its not just that i dont like him sleeping in my bed, but i get my masturbation rights taken away from me.

i had to my pc into the kitchen.
lame.

I think this week i might acheive the impossible, do a semesters work of art in a week..
hell ive done stuff like this before, hey i might of JUST got a 50% but like, cmon, still works alright better than 0 imo.

i mean cmon, every seems to think art prac is hard, yeah. it fucking is.
But find something thats easy, installation is easy. find a thing you can make a message across with and vwola you got it.

our teacher just makes it so fucking hard. i know that art work could change the way people could think i mean. o lawd, all these kids and there mtv and there pacman video games they dont know shit.

well i can read a book. to an extent, i like him as a person, but teaching by jove it gets annoying.

Im thinking of starting an online comic, i need to get stuff working etc.
but yeah. europe in 2weeks.

AND I GET A FKN BREAK.
yay. england is gonna be sort of tits, although i wanna explore more :<

no wow for 2 weeks to.
thats gotta suck.

oi that reminds me, i just better goddamn work, i gotta get the hell out of here and do tafe, maybe just sit on my ass for a year. sitting on my ass would be sweet.

leeching of my mum, i mean, chicks find it cute that i live with my parents right?

i bet they do. like, im not really attractive, BUT IM SHORT.
lol.

hey half the time theyre intoxicated so its not like they care either.
im more likely to get raped than commit it. and im a guy, so i wouldnt really care.
id just be like "yeah, oh no, wait, no. no not that. no"....

would they punch me if i couldnt get an erection.
seriously.

everyone seems to think, that its going to be easy.
ive been "this" close. "this" close.

and your weiner goes "nah id rather go, the snookers on".
wait. wut.

anyway, i kinda realised, your parents sorta know you do everything, like they all did it.
hell if i ever have kids (sucked in to them if i do).

wait. me having kids?

hahahaha, fuck thatd be dumb, id like to be a dad though, although id like to see if i make a good dad, but yeah, that depends if they dont turn out to be retarded or have down syndrome or something, not saying i wouldnt treat them any worse.

i feel sorry for the people that have to go through that ey, giving up there whole time of there life to there kids.

anyways, i gotta go to sleep, its fucking cold.
my house has 2 settings. fucking hot or antartica, right now hot is broken, unless i sleep in a corner.

speaking of corners.
your fase is one.
im out./

2007-05-20T05:24:00.000-07:00

you know what fucks me off the most.

the fact i have nothing right now.

its all very confusing.

i really wish i could start fresh. move somewhere, with people i dont know.
and really introduce myself.

its not that i hate people here.

its the fact i have nothing here either.

i feel uncomfortable. like alot now. looking back at what i had and what i had to sacrifice in order to make stuff viable.

Looking at the things i dont have anymore, it doesnt make me sad, its that feeling you get where you wish you could of changed something at the time in order to make it work.

theres no such thing as a second chance in my opinion, because notthings the same once you make that first mistake. I really miss some people too, like alot, some people i would call my best friends last year, i never see. i havent since january.

As much as i would love to say " i fucking miss you" or " why the fuck dont you try to contact me anymore ".

i dont know. if we ever really had that, make an effort to contact me, as ive said it so many times.

i dont think im ever that sensitive with people to actually say that ever.
i dont really have much to say for myself anymore cept the fact i have a level 70 hunter....gratz jeremy.

as much as i would love to quit, its the only world i have anymore where i can actually do something. rofl. in a computer game.

i want people back. i want my social life back. i want to get on track.

but its fucking impossible.

but you know what? if i could change the decisions i made. i probably wouldnt. ive learnt alot, and i was clueless at the time. where am i going with this?

nothing is easy. nothing at all.

its like guitar, people think its just easy for me.
....i practiced 4+ hours a day when i started.

that was alot of time. i dedicated time to it.

last year i spent alot of time on being a social cunt, who didnt care about alot of stuff.
it was fun while it lasted, but you have to take the shit stuff with the good. cancel the good for the shit. its how it works.

my mind is too fast to actually comprehend the whole "study" thing.

i cant really seem to get motivated anymore. at all.

its fucking annoying.

anyways. im out of emo mode for now. but im really sick of the whole "lul u said how you feel thing".....thing is. the reason im liek this is probably because ive experienced alot of things people havent. and just because im open about it doesnt make me more of a pussy.

i havent cried since 2001.
ive taken a fair beating.

you suck.

ANYWHOo.
i dont have anything funny to say :o

my brother took my goddamn guitar for a gig. i want my guitar to learn uber metal riffs.

ive actually gotten better at guitar too. i can finally play symphony x stuff.

how win is that. michael romeo rocks.

anyways.

im still confused about what i want to do.
i want to do comedy. something in comedy rather, or media, or tv. aslong as its comedy.

People find me funny and other people dont.
fair lol.

anyways
i need to finish doing something i cant remember.

sonata arctica FUCKING SUCK.

dear god.

o lawd.

2007-05-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

okay ffs.

People often go to me how good dragonforce are. I CANT FKN TAKE IT. THEY SUCK BALLS.

i may be younger, and playing less than some of the guys that worship them, but just coz youve been palying longer, doesnt mean you know shit. I can tell you right now, i saw them the other night, and i walked out, not just because they sucked, but because they are worse than yngwie in 1986......they show no musicianship and give the word shred a bad name.

TO NAME A FEW.
"shredders":

are guys like
- michael angelo batio
- Chris impelletrelli
- yngwie malmsteen
to name a few. these dudes pwn them hands down.

Here is some reason why they suck:
1) The name. "Dragonforce", come on, what kind of shitty name is that ? It sounds like some anime or video game skill, not like a band's name. As a matter of fact, using "dragon" in a band's name will make you sound like a nerd, addicted to Role-Playing Games and spending more time pinching his pimples than working on his string-skipping exercices. So all of you retards out there with band's names like "Dragonslayer", "Dragonkiller", "Dragon's breath", "Dragonite" and everything that includes the word "dragon", you know now how much of losers you are.
Pretty much, he said he influences were 80's video games.
why?
the dudes that mae them were actual composers, who were limited to the midi sequences allowed, meaning they could only program a couple of instruments, THOSE DUDES WERE GENIUSES. you are not.
you even fail to mention what games.

pacman? o lawd.

2) The music. At least, Herman Li and Sam Totman admit it : one of their main influences is video games music.
why did they do that?
because they can pick up goth whores who are like "OMG WE'RE DIFFERENT, WE LOVE OLD SCHOOL NINTENDO, FUCK ME!" I love video game music, i have pretty much every major console since 1988.....and i own the whole mame collection.
you think i wouldnt know a bit about arcade music. i know for a fukn fact. that game music isnt just 300bpm blast beats with shitty solos, listen to the final fantasy series, listen to the sonic series, atleast they had one thing the gutiarists dont posess.

MELODY. o lawd.

Too bad they spent hours on their instruments to sound no better than a Nintendo NES while hundreds of talented people play real video games music with the artistic soul Dragonforce is desperately pursuing...im pissed why? because for my future career i want to create video game music, and these dudes give it, and all the composers a bad name.

As for the drums, I know sequencers with more feeling than Dragonforce's drummer. If I want to listen to a sledgehammer, I'd rather listen to some Fear Factory record. hell, listen to flo mounier.

3) The sound. Dragonforce tries to mix the energy of speed metal with video games sounds.
Let's face it, it sucks. The guitar sound is just terrible, it conveys absolutely no power whatsoever. Since the drummer sounds like he's trying to dig a tunnel, the guitars end up sounding even feebler. As if it were not enough, Herman Li and Sam Totman decided to remove every aspect in their playing that could give consistency to any solo they do : no bends, not a note longer than half a second, no slides, no double stops, even their artificial harmonics sound like glitches, and of course NO MELODY (which sounds obvious, since speed and melody are not really compatible, as we'll see next week). Any Yngwie Malmsteen or George Lynch alone owns both players of Dragonforce. Period. IF YOU WANT SPEED METAL SHRED.
listen to the 2 cacophony albums, go off and speed metal symphony.

true musicianship
true guitar playing
true melody
true passion in what they were doing.
THEY WERENT PISSED EVERYTIME THEY GOT ON STAGE.
they gave time out for fans.

and yet, they fuckn piss on every guitar duo.
megadeth
racer x. who got no recognition.

to say dragonforce bring shred back is a total lack of comprehension towards any of the shred bands that were any good.

If you're a big fan of Dragonforce, you probably suck at guitar playing, so grow up. Playing the guitar is not "being able to move one's fingers as fast as possible on the fretboard". Any monkey with a guitar and a metronome can eventually achieve that. Playing the guitar is something different. That you don't know yet.

Play the guitar like its you, not an extension of your wang, i can play at 300bpm if i wanted.
i can site read all the dragonforce songs, but do i shove it in peoples faces. no coz i rock.

listen to michael romeo and symphony x and see how guitars can rock.

im not really pissed at anything cept that really tonight.
cept for the fact my warlock isnt levelling quicker.

wait wait wait.

i am pissed off at someone.
how he always have to bring up the thing that he rooted some skank whenever i beat him at something, its like:
"well atleast ive had a root"

....and?

maybe some people have morals, hey maybe i want to get an itchy scrot.
but im fair sure id rather save my dick, and the dissapointment, to someone who deserves it.
(haha they really dont).

Another thing that gets me is musical diversity. i listen to everything?
yes i play metal as my main genre, but just because i listen to that a majority of the time doesnt mean im a total douchebag.
Like "omg jeremy that music is shit" "YER WELL SOS UR FASE".

if i want to listen to classical i will.
if i want to listen to j-pop i will.
if i want to listen to fkn trance i will.

coz im kewl.

internetz is serious business and so am i. dont fuck with either imo.

going to families is fucking gay.
no ofeense
i love them.

BUT WHY.
salisbury, why do they all have to live there.
its dodgy, their plasma tv broke.
they dont have foxtel.
and they all have to watch goddamn drifting videos.

im like "um can i watch something other than t...."
"shut up!....OI CHECK OT THAT SICK DRIFT"
"pl..."
"OMG LOOK AT FLEUGSY DO IT WITH ONE HAND!"

-.-

3 hrs of drifting.
there wasnt even a boob.
i thought they liked that stuff.
oh well.

cock sucks.
and rifts loves it.

im gonna write a story:

A miserable winter wind gusts unrelentingly outside the frost coated window of the cabin. An amber glow radiates from the fireplace as a faint scent of oak and sweet burning wood decorated the room. Small flames licked upwards as Veilo poked around a freshly placed firewood piece, slightly and very welcomingly increasing the temperature to an inviting warmth.

Veilo was perceived as a simple man with country style values and morals. A real family man who would lose a limb before asking for directions. This wasn't always the case though. No one knew about Veilo's past. Not even Sihu herself who had known him since she found him in the forest on one of her travels. She was researching various species of Earwigs. He was completely naked, lying face first in the orange and red autumn leaves almost totally covered in blood. Too much to be his own and for him to still faintly gasp for air the way he was. Sihu never asked what had happened to him after she virtually brought him back from the dead. Veilo never spoke of it either but devoted his life to her, accompanying her on her travels and dealing with people who would so much as bring the slightest discomfort to her. He once bit a man's neck open and used the gushing and squirting blood and lymphatic fluid as lubrication for the violent masculine loving that ensued, finishing with a thick congealing mix of blood and man juice.

Sihu sighed as she slumped onto the thick-cushioned couch at the thought of being unable to venture out into the snow, pulling up a winter blanket. She was usually the optomist in any situation, however a champ can only take so many smacks to the face before making friends with the floor. Her dismay was very apparent and everyone felt her once lustering aura slowly lose its shine.

Tinytet, who was strumming tunes on his acoustic guitar, made from real Jamaican hog stomach lining, decided to try to brighten things up by firing out his favourite "I'm Bad" tune, complete with spinning, crotch grabbing, moonwalking and the juggling of chicken feet and common kitchen appliances
Tinytet had never been the same since he gave up his career as a professional body builder after a horrific child crushing accident. Unfortunately when the autograph signing session had ended he went back to his dressing room to do a final stretching bicep flex. To his horror he was unable to abort mid-flex (one of those "once you release the beast you can't stop it till it's fucked your mother" type flexes) when he found a boy had hidden in the room to get a picture autograph signed. He decided to "find himself" on the road where he met Ren and Taer driving along in a combi van, only to seek shelter in the only cabin they could find within ages of anywhere. They were greeted and welcomed in by the hospitable Veilo and Sihu who had come up for the weekend with their friends, Kahnrage and Sylas, with plans to write their names in the snow amongst ritual sacrifices of natives.

Kahnrage and Sylas lay on the large bed on the otherside of the room, enjoying the heat from the fireplace. Benco slowly ran his fingers through Sylas's hair as Sylas gently nuzzled into his chest. Embraced, as if shielding each other from the cold winter chill. Sylas, pulling the blanked just above their waists, therapeutically rubbed his palms deep into Benco's back as he soothingly cooed Benco into a loving slumber.
Kahnrage had split up with his wife of 5 years after he found her in the same bed as another, so many years ago. Being the reserved person he was all he could do was watch, concealed by the shadows, as his wife was ravaged by a man, a woman, another man, a donkey, a midget, Stockee, another donkey, and various species of mysterious earwigs. Benco broke things up without much explanation and without resistance from his whorish wife, Rifts, who had built a personality disorder from a freak bicep flex crushing accident when she was younger by a once famous body builder. She would only speak every few minutes when coming back up for air from chewing on Stockee's pool ball of a member. Benco seeped into the nearest saloon he could find which served anything stronger than beetroot juice and found he accidentally stumbled into a gay bar, and it just so happened to be drag queen night. The first act was entertaining and Benco's spirits were already lifting up until he saw... Him. Through the sparkling draped curtains slid a slender and uncovered leg on stage which was followed by a beautiful boy called Sylas, wearing a high slit, gold sequin dress. After the show, Benco who was a storming whirlwind of confused emotions walked up and bought Sylas a drink and began chatting. After a few hours of great conversation they found themselves clumsily stumbling into a nearby hotel room entwined with passion. The rest is history.

Veilo slid in next to Sihu as they slowly drifted off to sleep, along with Sylas and Benco, listening to the melodious sounds of Taer and Ren chopping their high quality skunk. Totally righteous.

the good, the bad, and the ugly.

2007-03-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

nice title...isnt it?

but it has nothing to do with the post, i just like it.

Well. im avoiding like hell not to do my homework, i even did OTHER homework to avoid that homework. now its 12am, and im pretty sure it wont be 3am til i actually get around to doing it.
way to leave everything to last minute jeremy.

i spend to much time...doing something, i wont say doing nothing.
because i try and avoid all the things i like doing when i know i have homework...>_> which is sorta weird.

Ah well, term is almost over, and i can play wow.....yay.
Infact, i might take peoples advice and get to know people at school more.

The fact, people were like "theres no photos of you up there jeremy" made me think, i never spend time with these people.
i wish i could, i dont know, i feel odd, around alot of them.
i wish they didnt towards me....i really dont.

people see as me as a unhygenic, douche, unsmart, geek, who is rude and obnoxious.

well, im not really. as much as i sound like a tool saying this, as more and more people read this.
get..to know me. and i'll adjust to you. im not like people there.

people seem to judge me on my music, my language, how i dress (oh noes).
well, i dno, natasha pulled me over to say, she wont tolerate my behaviour, well seeming, i pretty much feinted before, i just said "ok" so i could sit back down. Now after realising what ive said to people over the last couple days, it prolly would hurt them.

And i feel heaps bad for what i said to someone the other day, i really didnt mean to say it.
you're prolly going "harden up pussy". But i think over the couple weeks, ive learnt, that, being an asshole and thinking everyone around you is all the same is totally the stupidest way of looking at things, doing the 'im not changing for anyone' thing is stupid. ive tried it. look where its got me.

But in all seriousness, people give me shit too. And people who tell me saying my behaviour isnt acceptable, have no idea, im not an authorative figure, infact im the opposite, nobody does what i tell them to do, infact, everyone sees me as some sort of failure. You think i wouldnt get a TINY bit pissed off at the fact people call me gay (and you dont think i get that alot <_>) and say shit to me doesnt get on my nerves, i come home and have to face my mum talking about school.

When they see me as that unsmart, unhygenic person, its from the impression i give off.
What impression do you give off?

I see everyone as an oppurtunity for a friend.
I dont know why people, just, dont, click with me you know?

im being nice, to them, in my own ways, and like, i get shunned, i can tell you this much, i dont think ever in my life have i officially gone off at anyone for saying something wrong to me.
(unless it was that person above lol!)
i dont get it, how people seem to see me as a negative person you know, as if im mean, or as im being a prick. like, i dont get it? im sure when i look back on my behaviour i was just trying to make someone laugh. i dont think people have realised ive degraded myself so many times in order to make them feel better. or said things that have happened to me to make them feel better, that theyve told gone against my trust and told people, and i still cop shit for from them.

I could, I COULD, go off, and be a sour individual. but why.
everyone already thinks i am, why should i ruin that even more.

its like i have no outlet anymore. whenever someone asks me a question seriously anymore, i cant even say it. i cant give a straight answer, because who wuold of thought, im actually a PERSON with feelings and isnt just there to be against you, maybe you think that, before you go off at me or someone else. Its called opinion, and im simply expressing it the only way how, being a perverted douche. oh beleive me, i can be a really sweet guy, and who is fragile and stuff, since i know i am....im sure every guy is like that?
But anyways, dont expect a serious answer from me, you dont know me well enough to get a serious answer from me. You'll only get a serious answer from me if you ask me a serious question, not one you know the answer too, not one that tries and settles the behaviour of myself, because, really, i will change if its needed.
If you ask me for help. i will.

i cant count how many times last year, and this year, i totally ruined parts of the night to help people. and people seem to think i was just slacking off doing nothing, that i was being a dumb shit.

okay, for people who dont really GET the facts. im not a dumb person, people see me as a dumb person because ive had to repeat some stuff.....someone said to me "wow i didnt know you were smart" im not....what is being smart, is me finally being smart, me saying my feelings out loud?
For me, being smart, is being good at math and all that. thats why ive never considered myself a smart person, ive had low self esteem for a while, because, i feel like im an incompetant smacktard. Like, i cant, no matter how hard i fucking try, get awesome grades.

I cant. i seriously cant. and i cant deal with that. i will never be, the person/intellectually capable person i want myself to be.

sure, im good at guitar and computers and my own hobbies. where i can practically teach the stuff myself, but i dont get people see that i spend more of my time learning my own thing than learning things i should do.

the system is screwed. anyone reading this thats gets discouraged but can hold it out.
do it. you wont get to what you want to do with life quitting.......i want to finish year 12. and i will.
thats the only motivation i have this year.

so in summary.
- dont be freaking afraid to talk to me, i dont just talk about the same stuff, i can go on about ANYTHING, i like, everything, i like what everyone has to say. i like long conversations with people, so i dont care if people ramble because it gives me time to talk :>

-first impressions arent everything, get to know people.....if you dont like them. just dont worry about it. i dont like some people too, but i keep my distance.

- dogs cant look up.

- no matter how much you think you know someone, theres always most probably a side you'll like. theres people i hate at some points, like my brother, sometimes i fucking hate him for what he does, and some times he can be the best guy to be around, same with some people at school.

on that note. my art assignments got me thinking.
im think im getting somewhere with it, like, im doing my idea as a spiral. the more you think, the more you get deeper.

i seriously wrote a suicide note the other day..... for my idea, and like, whoa, i didnt know i could even think that stuff. its weird.
anyways i write to much.

peace.

BEST INVENTION EVER.

2007-03-19T02:53:00.000-07:00

IT COOKS PIZZA ON AIR.
FUCKIN TRIFFIC.

OI

2007-03-19T02:07:00.000-07:00

I reckon. that assemblies is are gay.

infact i reckon, if lessons were having gay sex with each other i reckon, aust studies and assembly would be the dick and the ass, and maths would prolly be the strap on.

OMG you hate maths.

yes
i fucking detest maths. i cbf with it, 1 more term and im done. WITH MATHS FOREVER.
fuckin w00t. i dont need to do much in maths except use a ruler in the toilet then come back to my computer and post the things in. and also im only gonna add things like pizza and stuff anyways....
and most delivery guys have calculators anyways lol.

i want to be a pizza man. how sick would that be, going round, and like if any hot girls want pizza, im like 'bam' and deliver it to them, they must think im the best guy ever, because i deliver pizza, in a faded yellow car that i decorated with logos so i get free petrol.
I think though, if i had the choice between a lifetime supply of pepperoni pizza and christine anu, id prolly choose pizza, because christine anu is feral and she can get skanked.

but if i had the choice between pizza and angelina jolies incest brother! id be on that like hot cakes....or hot broth, broth spreads more, and more people eat broth than hot cakes.

coz if you like ADD the shitty countries that only get broth and rice, im pretty sure with the brother i could pick up some pretty good asian prostitutes while im at.

is it illegal if theyre 15 and im 17? TWO YEAR RULE I WIN.

Anyways as i was reading that quantus chick became an escort. again.
no offense i was loling. man, sif doing some celebrity would fuck you over like that. (not literally, i heard it was pretty good). im pretty sure id quit my shot to have a crack at hermione......seriously she is one hot wizard. like seriously, id cast my cock of the infinite on her and shed be all like casting 'vag of the mongoose' and itd be tits.

FUCK harry potter too, he was shit, id do so much better as harry, or ron, or anyone in that movie, my brother could be a better wizard too. like, harry needs more charm, he thinks he can get shit because he fuckin got struck by fuckin voldemort, WELL FUCK THAT.

i got burnt by a toaster, and i get fuck all. and i dont have some douchey combover to cover it up too. he thinks hes just awesome coz hes like "LOL I PLAY QUIDDITCH, I AM TEH MASTER" its like fuckin elemtary school, what about the awesome guys that could pwn his ass in like...academics and shit. or music. im pretty sure they dont get a mention, BUT NO, ITS ALL ABOUT SPORT. and i fkn hate sport.

fkn hate.

dont even let me go into it, I DONT LIKE SPORT. NUFF SAID FGT.

anyways, what sport i do like though, is sheep dogs.

that is the most entertaining sport ive ever watched. like, HOW THE FUCK DOES IT CLOSE THE PEN, thats one smart dog.

likes, hours, of training. to get a dumb dog to shut a gate and get the sheep, AND HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH THEY OWN.

fkn, like rip those sheep a new a, getting them in that pen. those farmers are awesome.

much respect.

but cathy freeman
CAN GET CUNTED.

srsly, i met her, shes the dumbest person ive prolly met, and like, shes more famous than the dog that goes pew pew on sheep.

fuck that. no respect. and when shes doing her speech.

WHERE THE HELL IS THE FARMER RESPECT. NO WHERE.
i wanna thank jesus.
i wanna thank god (same thing twat)
i wanna thank all my friends and family and people that have supported you.

WELL FARMERS AND DOGS SUPPLY YOU WITH CARROTS AND OTHER FGGTY VEGETABLES.

why dont you just thank the syringe that went into your arm before the race.
and that aerodynamic motley crue rip off suit.
man that was bad. id rather be voted most coolest runner than fastest runner.

So in conclusion.

I think cathy freeman is shit.
and i think that dog running is the best thing ever.
apart from me.

and jeremy park.

Crunchy nut cornflakes are awesome too. i had a bowl just then, and theyre pretty addictive imo, more addictive than wank.

cept i dont have cornflakes at school.
not saying...i wank at school.
coz i dont.
<_<

but if they find traces of my seaman on some dead body at school in the boys showers, THAT WASNT ME. ffs, theyre framing me, i accidentally shot into a test tube once for giggles.
No i didnt.

that wasnt even funny.

anyways, i dont wank at school, if i did, my grades would prolly be alot better.
But i dont wanna, because then id smell like one hand sex (or 4 finger) sex for the rest of the day, and thats not good when im sitting in the common room surrounded by stir fry and other shit, and the smell of sweaty pube upon seamen smell comes in, as much as i enjoy the smell ( i really do ).

Upon the wow report.

i need more intellect.
my gear is fair shite imo. well its better than waht it was. got all the hunter loot in shadow labs.
Inc - Sonic Spear.

MORE RESILIENCE FTW.

not like i really need heaps of resilience. not like people see coming when i pew pew.

i need to level my warlock.
but im fair sure i want to be a priest, coz shadow priests pwn.

= worst guild ever too.

so many bad players lol.

Anywhoo, i have nothing to say anymore, and im pretty sure i need to finish homework.

I HAVE A NEW BAND

2007-03-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

CALLED JEREMYPARK.

IT MIXES EMOTIONAL MELODIZ WITH ROCK AND METALZ.

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/JEREMYPARK

I Havents created the pge yet.
but i will in a sec.

4am ramblings!

2007-03-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

So im sitting in my chair. its 3am.

i have to day off school. seems pretty sweet.

Why is it, late at night, i seem to think. OR SAY the most pointless things i will say to friends when all they ask for is advice. i try and get philosophical.

Most the time, whenever someone asks a questions that isnt like "whats the capital of Germany" or something they know what the answer is gonna be.

This blog is to answer my own questions imo, its hte only time i ever get to say whats on my mind to someone, hell, even if theyre at the other end of the world. That someone, who i hope reads it, most of the time, i hope that person, who i think about, its normally different people each blog.

But ohwell. everything is fine. whenever something is fine or even good
in ONE aspect of my life. it gets fucked over. im not unhappy. im used to it. im not making this into a blog where i complain oh no sir.
To whoever reads this to go "OH MAN HES SO UNHAPPY LIKE ME, LETS FIND HIS MYSPACE AND COMMENT HIM". dont.

because. everything is bad, everythins is good at the same time.
atm i have to face things good with bad or bad with the good, and right now, im pretty content with one area.

What really pisses me off, is i wish i was more of hte person i want myself to be, i dont really get to control any part of my life except how i behave. Forgive me if this sounds like im running my own psychology session in my head, it makes me MORE SANE TALKING TO MYSELF LOL.
infact it does, because this always makes me happy. i felt like shit writing at the beginning now i feel better.

anyways. my room, is the only thing i get control of in my life, and i guess, thats why my room is fair tidy, and how everything is how it wants itself to be.

im away from people.
away from school away from THEM.
its all good.

when i step out its like 'oh god'.
im here for the year, it doesnt matter.

ive come to realise, my school friends are ht best friends ive got, im a geek, i said it, i dont like parties, i dont like flirting all the time, i dont like making out and drinking everyweek because im expected too.
i dont like hardcore, i dont like alot of things.

and i know im the one never to talk about love.
but, its actually something, after talking, feels fucking sentimental!

Like i still beleive in this perfect match thing.
i still beleive theres someone out there.

wth.

no offense to myself, but im starting to doubt that. every girl i come across with, HAS FUCKED ME OVER, and no matter what i talk about, EVERYTHING in this blog has something to do wth me being pissed off or destroying my chances of getting a gf.

and so my friends, thats why i never talk about it.

i dont go looking either, so gtfo my blog if you think this is for trying to pick up, i never try to pick up, ive never acted ANYTHING but myself, people who change for people personality wise is fucking dumb, im going back to sentimental here, but , the whole thing about love is that your supposed to click, even if you disagree on everything, you still LOVE each other for what they are, not what you want them to be.

or not what you think they want you to be.

im a geek.
im not atheletic.
i listen to metal.
i play guitar.
i play games for extended hours into the morning.

and yes. my sense of humour IS LIEK ZOMG CUYTEE LOL.
get fucked. im not here to make you laugh either. its just what i think.
its meant to make me laugh NOT YOU.

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT TO ME.
coz:

i grew up as an unpopular guy.
i was pretty fugly.
i didnt have any female friends til year 9-10.

And last year, when i decided to change, into *that* way (pulls hair to one side of my face) people started to like me.....im a comformist myself you know, i only dress that way hahaha.

and now what effects me more than anything else is how i look.
which is making me realise shit, i only hate school because they make me change how i look.
thats why i write this blog, its because im pissed AT THE ONE THING.

im pissed i couldnt look how i wanted my teenage years, and for some reason tahts important to me?!

gay.

im rambling again. but look.

in short, if i ever give any advice.

-dont change someone unless its for good or unharm.
-dont change yourself to impress someone because you'll reveal yourself sooner or later.
-to grow a good flower, you need to put a whole bunch of SHIT on it.

if your doing well, think about what your doing or what might happen before you doit.

lives go down the drain to quickly. and ive seen it happen to many times.
xx

2007-03-04T01:27:00.000-08:00

shite well im suppose to be doing homework now.

but im not lal. coz. well. i saw this. IM TRYING. to get it working on my own domain.
but due to mySQL being mySQGAY i cant do anything about it. so blogspot is more awesomer anyways.

Well on thursday i pretty much saw god. Well...pretty much my idol since i was about twelve.
Paul Gilbert....also shown here:

Fun was had, i learnt....some things. I always go to these things thinking im gonna learn shitloads there and then, but i actually learn more by myself anyway.....in a non sexual way.
He answered my question to....just not in a great way. Sif id want a smaller guitar.
id look like a tool. after some face melting rock and such, he signed my stuff.
He didnt, really greet the fans as much as suffocation did, but i guess hes played arenas and stuff and is aweosme guitar player....but i guess i felt more welcomed by other bands lol.
paul just looked like he wanted to get the hell out haha.
And after some like 34 year old woman hit on me....i went home.

Oh and that reminds me, my brother is a total stubborn dick when it comes to car rides. i mean DOUBLE YEW TEE EFF. i cant talk in his car, i can play my discman in the car...."unless i want to get kicked out and walk there". Um......yuh, bit of a random thing for me, coz he doesnt really need to have such a stick in his pee hole. i just ended up walking there ha.

I need an amp to, to play some mighty rock notes on there....plugging into my computer sucks the wanghole. i get a nice shitty sound.

My parents were away this weekend too, apparently is a waste of money if i spend all the money they gave me on pizza. WELL SORRY. i tried cooking....and i ended up getting like REALLY bad stomach cramps that night. it hurt to poo.

i need to finish my kara attunemt for wow. got into alpha. need to do raids. therefore get better gear.

on that note.

i think i need to shower.....im not showering that much anymore. WHY JEREMY WHY, because my hair seems to grow faster if i DONT wash it. you see...when i wash it, i do things to it. like dry it
straighten it.
then dry it some more.
then straighten it again.

it never used to be that bad, UNTIL SOMEBODY tried putting some goddamn bleech in it and now its fuxxored.

i want extensions....got $1000?

i want to look like punky meadows......if i was punky meadows id get all the women in the world.
even the skanky ones.

my pants smell like sex.....and i havent had sex. ever.
lame.
lame.
lame.

sex is ovverated. well only for me. and im only saying that because i probably have erection problems . >_>
shut up.

fark. i need to tidy my room too. pizza. pepsi. i look like a slob. wait. I AM slob.
speaking of which I FUCKING HATE DENTISTS.

like
i used to be cool with dentists.
then they decided to be total asses to me by like sticking a big ass DICK OF A SYNRINGE in my mouth.

now im cool with that. but the one thing i hate about dentists is that they seem to under exxagerate on how things are.

for example at the dentists.

"itl'l feel like a mozzie bite" means "We're gonna stick some fucking big ass thing into your gum and make it bleed for a bit".

there was some like 6 year old girl behind me and i heard was "mozzie bite" and "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".

if its gonna hurt...tell me.

i remember when liek, dentists used to be call. and they had dungeons and dragons in the hallway of it, tthat place kicked ass. but its like on the otherside of the world.
lame.

im going to england in JUNE to.
send me cards.
flowers. whatever \><

i go to rome aswell. man coffee frenzy there.
coffeee. coffee.

fcasjkk xo\fee.

....i could turn this into a TOTALLY emo blog, but we're gonna take away the fact that it is.
well its not.....does it even sound emo right now. no...cept for the picture.
i just hate people that lead you on so goddamn much and liek
coompliment you all the time and suck up....but then go on about some other guy, but they act as if they like you around you........no offense, but, isnt that just a bit stupid.

Its a way to lose friends, and im pretty sure heaps of girls have done that to me, then bitch about how they lost friends for flirting with guys....either have a solution or dont. either dont flirt or do.....its freakin simple. im sick of a like people who total fags with relationships and cant seem to live without one. i havent had one for ages. and im MORE happier than ive been with one.

And i know if i did.....id have to give up alot of things i like doing.
SO FUCK THAT.

you hear that sister.
oprah can suck a chode.

i was watching dating shows on tv.
OMG i lol'd really hard, like.
that seriously gets women?!

damn what i have been doing wrong.
like, seriously, how come people have to go to pubs, or even go on the internet to get one.
the internet sucks period. its like putting yourself out. and i found that someway degrading.

hell i could even use this as a personal ad for women. (if your single just like email and shiz ;) )
my name is hungdaddy69 @ aim and i normally hang around in the 16 inch plus room on yahoo chat. i remmeber yahoo chat. that pwned. i used to go in there with no idea what people were tralking about. then some guy like asked me to talk to him. lol. people are sad. especially asian people. not being racist. BUT EVERYONE IN YAHOO CHAT IS ASIAN.
everyone in those old microsoft chat rooms ARE ASIAN.
everyone on the forums i go on ARE ASIAN.
no offense. i love asian people.
i really like asian people.

i used to be obsessed with asian girls. (THAT WERE MY AGE STFU)
....prolly still am.

anyways i want to move to japan. and have an asian wife.
...who can make me sake. and sushi. and other things that are asian. and we can watch heavy metal rockasan on tv.

itd be sweet.
then i can watch foxy boxing later.

or maybe referee it. thatd be sweet. cept not in mud...just water. cold water...mud wrestling is gay. i cant even see anything. stupid gay bastards.

i have math homework to do.
i hate...this..blog.
<3

2007-02-26T03:44:00.000-08:00

well well well.

Wasnt i wrong last post, about school >< man im so emo "school sucks" "my parents suck" nah not really. but i wish school would leave me alone. i mean im doing an alright job, i think they should realise i dont need to be an A+ student to pass ;)

ergh. im freaking hypo right now. i had 6 jolts today. and im fucking skitz. i feel as if my brain is about to explode. and so are my kidneys. i want my guitar.

I hate it how i always leave my guitar at school coz i cant get my lazy ass to be bothered to walk it home up that lame ass bitch of a hill.

I hate the new bus change. HATE. it used to be one bus ---------------------> my house.

now its bus ----------------------> marion ------------------> 25minute wait --------------> home --------------------> gay ass walk.

ALL COZ SOME GAYASS RETARDED WHEELCHAIR DOUCHETIT decided itd be more convenient for him. pardon my french for 2minutes but seriously. go die. because like. just because you cant walk doesnt mean i have to use my privelages to walk another freaking couple of k's to get home, 1 person vs likem 12,381 and the cripple WINS. thats society.

Im not gonna be racist or anything but goddamn white people are soft as hell. They'll let any minority whether it be black or jew or hispanic or whatever push us over because we dont wanna get the ol "you're just racist" every person can racist to me. and its gay.
Cept if i went to some chinese whorehouse, then id get some respect. and a decent haircut.
hell even teh gays are winning, LOOK AT FASHION. i mean im considered gay. IM GETTING CALLED GAY
BY GUYS IN PINK FUCKING SHIRTS WITH THE COLLAR UP.

wtf is with the collars. they're suppose to be down. i dont see people going to formals with a tie on with the collar up goin "sup holmes im in". its fuckin retarded, i want to see your neck not some gay ass "i love cottonon lol" thing on my shirt.

and did i mention having ur dads paypal password kicks ass?

he doesnt give a shit that i order a bunch fo shirts that are like $30US each on them.
heaps gonna be br00tal and shiz this month.

SPEAKING OF BR00TAL. me and seb have a band going. not really going, we sorta got half way thru a song and i got pissed off at the fact i cant write music and then just played cryptopsy and death for the rest of the day.

Paul gilbert is coming this month also. and i need a goddamn ticket. MY BROTHER HAS ONE. and i dont, and i own anything paul gilbert related.

come into my room, BIG paul gilbert poster. every racer x and mr.big cd. hell i even tried painting f-holes on my old guitar. AND HE HAS THE TICKET WTF. HE SHOULD GIVE ME THE TICKET BECAUSE I SPENT 3 YEARS WORSHIPPING GILBERT (then again im more like that religion where i have 3 gods aka, marty friedman, paul gilbert, and jason becker). and he spent his years worshipping satan....aka kirk hammett...ew.

I dont have anything against kirk. good player. but solos. ew.

I also worship WoW. I now have my hunter to 70. although i should grind it for an epic flying mount. because im getting into an awesome guild. and im focusing more on my warlock.....i mean, cmon warlocks pwn all. all i have to do is fear and dot and shadow bolt and they get fucked over. i beat a level 40 warrior at 30 because im tits....and plus warriors are weak as, even though i want a warrior because you get 1337 gear coz everyone wants you to tank.

pew pew pew pew pew pew pew. i went to LPc on saturday i'll post pics if there are any of my sexy mug being awesome and pwning at guitar hero! i OWN3D at that game. like for the first 10minutes i sucked
then i got better
then better

THEN PEW PEW i was doing it on expert.

just simple to say i pretty much shred on all forms of plastic. even condoms, hell even juice boxes (is that even plastic) its like, shiny cardboard. WTF.

Im finding my school weeks to be flying by. am i doing anything i suppose not. but hey im doing my assignments. wtf is with the headmaster hell going off and threatening me that i'll get kicked out! i like have handed in all my work :( its unfair.

And on that last note. lol FORMAL. i prolly will have to go. -_- BUT WITH WHO. *cue eerie music* i want it to be comedical. or something. because me being serious is pretty much, a "wtf pew moment". nah i'll just take anyone. cept no one ugly. someone who was hell bagging me got turned down.

PEW PEW to him, hes gay, got turned down by some bitch i hate. yes, i can call her a bitch, because i hate her. i dont know if she hates me. but shes a cunt. she says shit about me, when i dont about her. srsly if i was a crab or a lobster or some shit id hell fuck up her face with my pincers coz then id be all like...WAIT let me do a drawing.

as you can see, my pincers gyrate into her face. and like, FUCK IT COMPLETELY UP.
people underestimate sea creatures.

there was this time in france, and some fucking huge crab pinched me. JESUS CHRIST IT HURT LIKE BUGGERY. it was like PEWJEREMYWTF and i was liek WTFFRENCHCRABOW.

any in conclusion to that. everyone is asking me to go that gay ass freaking after party.

SO I CAN SIT IN THE CORNER AND THEY CAN BE ALL PEWPEWDRUNK.
"CMON JEREMY WE'LL GET LIEK WICKED DRUNK"
"JEREMY YOU'RE TOO WEAK FOR ALCOHOL YOU'LL GET DRUNK AFTER 1 SIP COZ ME AND MY DAD DRIVE VEEE EEIGHTS AND HOLDENS AND TRUE BLUE AUSSIE"

lol yeah, school parties are awesome i mean liek, me and the nerds, sitting in the corner...while the apparently "cool" or whatever the fuck they say nowadays (i still dont really like them as much they probably pretend to like me). but hey it would give me a chance to fuck some of them up, all i need is some THC and a shitload of meth and possible a couple ounces of ice. i mean just to spike to punch.

Nah thatd be mean, and i overexaggerated. but itd be fun to screw with there heads a bit, and get some male strippers (or i'll just do it myself) down there.

maybe i am the only one that feels he has a grip on reality at that place.. (you probably dont think that reading this ha).

i really want a scooter too.
itd be like PEW SCOOTER:
such drawn here.

id be a heaps big chick magnet with a scooter.
not like im not already *cough* well atleast not at my school.

SCORE ONE ME. because all the girls hate me there. im satan. and i listen to bad music.
and i dont do interpretive dance or sing or play sports so i suck.

DAMMIT.
i want my phone back too. i need to sms someone. and i dont have there number.
i stole my dads phone., well he gave it to me. and im using it. and its on low batt LOL.
sucked in.

bible class is wicked fun too btw.
im the only guy with a different view in it.

like today! we had to write comments about people.

and i was like wtfbbqsauce pwning there sheets. liek mine were funny and complimentary. cept i got in trouble for calling someone a lesbian. SHE CALLED ME GAY FIRST.
fucking dyke.

lol@blog.

i need to lay off caffine for a while, even if it does give me huge migraines.

WELCOME

2007-02-13T03:41:00.000-08:00

Well i ditched my old blog.

Good times in there.
Infact, alot of good times in there actually!

www.xanga.com/jezc

for those who want to read a shitload!

Anywho.
I dont have any philosophical shiz to go on with right now.
Maybe i do.

School is better than what i thought it was....im actually getting by okay, since im doing my work, nobody is on my fucking back! its fair tits, the year 11's dont gimme shit when im doing those classes. And ive got all my favourite teachers for my subjects, and if i do have ones i dont like, theyve somewhat changed there aspect on me.

I pretty much hate my CAP lessons though. such a waste of time.
Its all on how to prove jesus was real.

Okay. lets just get an understanding of WHAT i beleieve in right now.
Infact, i dont, im more "wtf am i suppose to say" than, lets beleive in one thing.
I try alot of the time. to grasp onto alot of concepts, which is indeed a good thing.
But i question evolution, i question religion.

The fact evolution fucks the laws of chemisty and biology itself is more.
Basically i could fill this space trying to sound smart.
indeed i beleive all have massive flaws.

Science and Christianity BOTH contradict themselves. im not gonna beleive in gaps either.
Gaps are faith. i cant grasp that.

everyone sees me as an a person trying to make christians look dumb.
You think i dont look stupid not knowing wtf im talking about.
Imo, enjoy your life now, how you were created does not play any huge role on you right now.

Beleieve in what you want to beleive, just dont hurt anyone.
I have no problem with people beleiving in a 'fake' being. aslong as they're great people. i wouldnt give a toss.

I play guitar, and try and be the best person i can be to anyone.
Everything i struggle with in my life i can get by with family and friends and myself.
Its hard to rely on something and wait by chance it will happen. i remember i used to ask God or whatever to help me in something you know, turns out i just did it and then thanked god.

We give ourselves too little credit.
We are amazing. you're an amazing person, who do you thank for that?
You thank god. why not thank your parents? why not thank your friends?
They made you WHO you are. and imo thats far more important that who made you.

Anyways. Suffocation is tomorrow, and im fucking PSHYCED!
first good DM band here to be under 18 and they got lame ass hardcore bands opening.
This is gonna be some good stuff.

Basically this is just a test to see if my blog works.